Looking Back

You know how every now and then, you feel like you are watching a movie of your life, rather than living it? How you look at the person you are with and thing, "Is this real, or just a dream?" Maybe I'm the only person who ever has these out-of-mind, out-of-body, life-is-surreal experiences. I'm hoping I'm not, or else I've probably confused and lost all of you by now. :)

I have had a two of those experiences over the past week. One, while spending time with Tina, my fellow mono-buddy at her lovely house in Sylva. We sat in the shade on a hillside, creeping up and back towards the forest behind us as the coolness provided by the shade receded. As we shared our memories and talked about how chronic illness had complicated our lives, I got this distinct feeling that I was there, but I also wasn't. I knew I was talking about my life, and I knew this was the Tina I lived with in North Carolina... but... it almost didn't seem like it was my life. Or that it was my Tina. Maybe it's related to that old adage, "You can never step in the same river twice." Or something very like it.

Last night, I had another one of those experiences I was sharing about at the top. I was at a Bible study group for the first time with four complete strangers. I felt like such an oddball. I haven't met truly new people in such a long time. Almost always when I meet someone, I already have some connection to them. We have a mutual friend, we go to the same school, we read the same authors, something. Here, there was next to nothing. I think part of the reason I felt that way was because I am still trying to figure out who Camille is in light of the three-year-young illness I have. It wasn't a bad or uncomfortable feeling, exactly. It just was. It was a fact. I was new. I was in control of what these people knew about me.

And yet, I chose to tell these complete strangers about my illness. As things happened, it was pretty neat. The study group wasn't actually studying anything last night; it was more of a social time, which was great for me - eating good food, and sharing our favorite books. I brought with my a copy of Polishing God's Monuments. (For my full description of the book and information on where to get your own copy, check out this older post.) After introducing my favorite author P. G. Wodehouse, I began telling them the story of Juli Andrews, whose story has a lot of parallels to my own. In college, she contracted an extremely virulent Epstein-Barr virus infection, and that was the beginning of her long battle with CFS/ME and multiple chemical sensitivities. Juli faced other problems later in her life as well, including surviving ovarian cancer. After sharing the book, I told them that my story was similar. Like Juli, I came down with EBV which just... stuck. I mentioned the term "chronic fatigue syndrome" a few times. And then, it hit. One of the girls asked, "So, what exactly is chronic fatigue syndrome?"

My mind went blank... numb. What is chronic fatigue syndrome? What is this monster that has dominated my life? What really is it? That's the million dollar question, right? Because no one really knows. No one knows where it came from or why it is so radically different from case to case. But we know one thing: It is Real. Time froze as all of the last three years have came flooding back in a wash of emotion. Chronic fatigue syndrome? It's just plain hard.

I did give a medically valid explanation, quickly stating that "chronic fatigue syndrome is NOT just being tired all the time." I paraphrased the ICC's journal article and explained how CFS is a multi-systemic neurological disorder that effects the respiratory system, the immune system, the CNS, and the mind. I explained different theories, the similarities of CFS to other more well-known illnesses like Lyme's disease and auto-immune disorders.

But I still couldn't tell them... really tell them... what it was like. They know it screwed up my life plans, but do they really know? Does anyone, other than fellow sufferers? I told them about CFS, but I didn't tell them about food allergies, candida, chronic sinus infections, insomnia. I didn't tell them about the difficulty of holding down a job, maintaining friendships, keeping up with the world and all its pain, or the high divorce and suicide rates of CFS patients... or even the more minor issues like how hard it is to get out of bed and feed yourself. I didn't tell them about brain fog, chronic pain, doctors who don't understand, the expense of treatment, or specialists. I couldn't. How could I?

Chronic fatigue syndrome... It's hard. Just plain hard.

Rumors & Heartbreak

And that's how rumors get started. -- Andy Palmer

Dear Readers,

Rumors are a tricky business. They occasionally start as a bold, blunt truth shared in a passionate moment and recirculated outside of the original audience, but more often than not, they begin as an outright lie engineered to cause harm. Or sometimes, it can be a mix of both. A grain of truth is mixed with a generous portion of untruth, and the purpose might not be specific harm to an individual, but rather as a means of self-promotion for someone desiring to be viewed as a source of information. I write all this because recently I have been learning some of these things by first-hand experience. There has been a particular rumor circulated about me, and it is that I have a broken heart. In the remainder of this post, I want to address this rumor head-on. The fact is... I do have a broken heart.

I have a heart that is broken by the brokenness, pain, and sin in this world. My heart is broken by lies, deceit, slander, and rumors. But it is most deeply broken, battered, and bruised by believers whose deeds do not align with their confession. It is broken when those lying, broken, slanderous, sinful people are in the church. The rumor is true: my heart is broken. Not by one person (although one person did the bulk of the damage). It was broken, is broken, has been broken by the church.

Not The Church as in The Universal Body of Believers in Jesus Christ Everywhere. Dare I even say it, my heart has been broken by people in the church that I attend. Not everyone there has inflicted this wound. There are a few people there who genuinely love me and whom I love as well. But there are a number of people there who... well... don't seem to care. They are gossips. While I wouldn't walk up to any single one of them and say, "Oooooooh, so it's you who all those verses were written to about gossiping!" (although I would love to, just to see the looks on their faces), I know who they are. Moreover, they know who they are. I doubt if any of them will see this blog post, or if they will even care.

But just in case they do, I want to let them know: you really hurt me. I am not titanium. I am made of a precious, soft, malleable metal that we like to call gold. But, again, just in case, I also want them to know something else: it doesn't matter. I mean, it does. It matters to God that I have been lied about. But it really doesn't matter to me what has been said to others. Because I am bigger than that. I am stronger. I have been made stronger. I'm not petty enough to start any rumors about them, but I will speak out with the truth.

Thankfully my heart doesn't stay broken, hurt, confused, or angry, and I will not allow it to become bitter. The world is too beautiful for dark thoughts. It is bright, cheerful, happy, lovely, loving, loveable, and real.

So I will laugh, dance, sing, and (when my lungs and legs allow it), run. I will spend hours lying in the sun, work hard at my wonderful job, bake cookies for my best friend's graduation party, and squeal over wedding plans. I will take pleasure in reading novels, stamping cards, cooking gourmet meals, celebrating birthdays and accomplishments, taking long walks, and encouraging friends in person or while talking on the phone. I won't allow lies, deception, and slander to keep me from the beautiful sunset, the green of spring, the blessing of growth and life, or any other natural enjoyment.

Church, you really make me cry sometimes. But only because you're not perfect. Only because you're not pure. Church is supposed to be a piece of heaven on earth, but let's all admit it; it's not, and we know it. We're still humans in the process of sanctification. And heaven's going to be a whole lot better. There, there will be no tale-bearers, no liars, no gossips. There will only be Lovers and Our Love. And the rumors of yesterday won't matter Then, so I won't allow them to dampen my enjoyment of today.

Church, you make me cringe in fear. You make me want to hide. You make me doubt the goodness of the world at times. But not today - and not right now. Because I know that it isn't really The Church's fault. It is, because The Church and the church have done some pretty nasty, terrible, wicked, sinful things. But not because you were The Church or the church - because it is in the darker side if your nature. So now I appeal to the other side of that nature - the redeemed part. The whole part. The loving part. Do the right thing. Pursue unity. Be love. It's love or die, isn't it?

And that's all I have to say about that.

Whatever is healing,
Nella Camille

HOW to Ask

My friend over at LymeLight recently wrote two fantastic posts on what to say or NOT say to a person battling a chronic illness. I really liked her suggestions. They were practical, down-to-earth, and reasonable. One of the most common questions to not ask is something like "What are your symptoms?" Sometimes even "How are you?" can be a very overwhelming question.

My mother and other question-driven, interrogative-loving people like her often struggle with what to say and what not to say (or should I say, what to ask, and what not to ask?). But there's a simple solution out there. It's a preface - a disclaimer - a means to healthier communication. 

In this post, I want to address not only what to say to a person who is facing chronic illness, but how to say it. Or, more precisely, how to ask for information. Often questions and statements themselves aren't problematic; rather it is the manner in which questions are asked that is stressful, discouraging, or unhelpful.

So. What if people asked some of those questions not to ask, but prefaced them by saying something like this...?

"Are you up to telling me how you're feeling today?"

"Would you like to talk about some of your symptoms right now?"

"Is now a good time to ask you questions about Lyme? If it isn't, can you call me when you're up to talking about it?"

This approach to question asking and information seeking is sooooo incredibly helpful for those dealing with a chronic illness. Why?

Because asking, "Are you up for this...?" give me the freedom and option to say "No." 

I'm beginning to realise that these two aspects of communication (one, asking permission, and two, the ability to say yes or no) are absolutely fundamental, but sadly overlooked more often than not. 

Another important facet to communication is realising that every individual is different. For instance, #2 on Warrior's post of things to say is "How can I pray for you?" For me, this was one of the most overwhelming questions to ever answer during the worst part of my illness. In fact, the only more stressful question was probably "How are you doing spiritually?" That was one reason I created this blog. I needed a place where I could answer too-stressful questions like that in one place for everyone to read. 

To this day, if you ask me a question like that, I might him-an-haw and beat around the bush, simply because I'm not up for answering. Don't take this as a personal thing. If or when I become comfortable, I may choose to confide in you. But if I don't, understand that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I need boundaries in my communication with others for my own personal protection. And one great, easy way for me to set boundaries is to say, "No." And one great way for you to help me out in protecting my still-limited energy resources is to ask, "Is this okay...?" or "May I ask....?"

Just some thoughts, from me to you. :)

~Nella

A Defense of Weirdness

In my journey toward healing, I have had to overcome certain self-errected or culturally-erected barriers. I thought the barriers were good and necessary, but I have realised that they are actually unnecessary and, in fact, more than a little silly. What held me back was not a legitimate problem, but rather a fabricated fear. I was scared... of the unknown.

So I took a leap. I did something different. 

For a while, I was almost scared of the steps I had taken. I felt somehow that maybe I had done something wrong. After all, I had been told my entire life it was wrong. But I think... in fact, I'm quite sure... I had been deceived.

There's nothing wrong with alternative medicine. In most cases, there isn't much that's even mystical about it. Practicing yoga, tai chi, or qi gong may have religious overtones in some eastern religions, but they are also perfectly valid forms of (great!) exercise. Meditation, tapping, chakra healing, massage therapy, muscle testing, reiki, acupuncture and acupressure might not have been originally based in science, but their claims have been verified by science over and over again. What I have learned is htat these things work, and more importantly, of what I have tried, they work for me.

It's hard to do something new, something different, something that at first feels a little weird. But who knows? It could be a rewarding experience... if you'll only try.

Blessings on your journey!

Day 9

Just popping in to write an update on how my candida diet is going. I can hardly believe it has already been a week! I have had no substantial cravings for the "forbidden foods" and have been able to keep myself eating a healthy, balanced diet by mentally scheduling my meals a few days ahead of time and keeping a journal as well. At first my appetite significantly increased on the diet. I think that was perhaps just an adjustment factor, and also excitement at getting to try so many different recipes. Now my appetite has settled down a bit, thankfully!, and I'm still moving ahead. I have noticed a significant increase in not only my energy but also my inclination to be active. I also notice a positive emotional impact due to the dietary changes. I have been prone to depression over the course of the past year, but nowadays the depression is very much easier to deal with and nip it in the bud. Stress no longer poisons my system, because I have found healthy ways to deal with it. I think soon I will be writing up some product reviews on the various supplements I've tried and the benefits and drawbacks to them, as well as some of the various ways and means I have found for dealing with stress. So stay tuned! :)

~Nella Camille~

Why I Don't Believe in Miracle Cures

I still remember the surprised look on her face. "You what?"  

I repeated again, "I'm on a special diet and I can't eat sugar."  

"But, there is sugar in everything!" she protested. 

I agreed. "Yes, which is why I'm not even able to eat fruits and have to be careful about my carbohydrate intake."  

I ran into her again at the other end of the store where she asked me how long my diet was going to last.  

"Six months," was my answer.  

"Good luck," she wished me. 

"Thanks!" I'll probably never see her again, but the conversation will stick with me for a long time.

It is difficult to pursue healing. Very difficult. It is time-consuming. It is costly.

It'd be easy if there was a miracle cure out there for Candida albicans, CFS, or cancer... but there just isn't. Progress has been made on all those fronts, but there is just no simple, easy, one-size-fits-all, just-take-this-pill answer.

And... I might shock you when I say... I don't think there ever will be.

There is a very innate, intuitive reason why we all are skeptical of "miracle cures" to our weight loss, health, and pain problems. We all realise that the human body just doesn't work that way. We realise that it takes time and effort for us to cause these problems, and that the solutions will often take longer. It is easy to accidentally cut a garment when removing a tag; it is more difficult to restore the garment to its original state of perfection. We know that the human body works the same way.

The more I learn about health and wellness, the more careful I become. The more I see and discover in my past that I thought was perfectly okay for me to eat or do which has actually caused very deep and lasting damage.

My heart breaks for the poor, exhausted mother who drains her body's precious adrenal resources by taxing this small but vital gland with the strain of numerous morning cups of coffee. My heart aches for the college student eating another cup of noodles because he doesn't understand that it isn't real food. My heart cries for those who were once thin, trim individuals who have succumbed to the toxic lure of fast food and soda, or even "healthy" yogurts, granolas, and juices which are loaded with sugar, preservatives, artificial and genetically modified ingredients.

The reason I don't believe in miracle cures is because almost everything we do stands in the way of allowing some of natures miraculous healing remedies to work. We are building road blocks when we should be clearing roads. We are holding up traffic where it ought to flow. We are ruining our lives with convenience.

And, so, when a problem arises, a process begins.

Our eyes are gradually opened. We've brought this upon ourselves. Our own choices have spelled the ruin of our health. We begin to see, for the first time. We've been tricked. And it isn't easy to take off the blinders, to foster the awareness of what the body truly needs, and to spend time in the kitchen preparing healthy food when we used to just take for granted what we could purchase at the store.

Are you willing to take the time? Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to admit you were wrong, that you were deceived, that you contributed to the state of our own downfall.

I am. Because it's the only chance I have for healing.

I can't sit around and wait for a miracle pill. But I can start rebuilding from the ground up.

Why Your Burden is My Blessing

What's your wake-up routine? Are you one of those people who is a night person, always getting to bed late, waking up tired, and has to hurry-skurry around the house in the morning in order to make it to work on time? Do you drink your coffee on the run, or buy it from Starbucks on your commute? Or are you a Benjamin Franklin type, "early to bed and early to rise," with everything carefully set in order for each day?

I guess I'm a little bit of both. I generally take it easy in the morning, allowing my body to wake naturally, and from then on out following a fairly regular pattern. Get up. Breakfast and pills. Bit of computer time. Make my bed. Exercise. Sometimes walk. Shower. Get dressed. Then my day really starts with whatever food prep, research, writing, or activities I have planned for myself.

I think it's a pretty typical routine for a person in my age and stage of life. There's nothing really that stands out about it too much (except maybe the number of pills that I take). This probably comes across as odd to most of you, but, my favorite part of my morning routine is making my bed. (Yeah, I know. Stick with me.) I know a lot of people aren't too keen on making their beds. But to me, it isn't a chore. It's not a burden. It's a symbol. A right that I have earned, in some respects.

Because... I didn't always used to get up in the morning and make my bed. I used to wake up and just lay there for hours, sometimes days, only leaving it when absolutely necessary. That bed and I used to be pretty tight. No more. Sure, I like my lazy morning in bed every once in a while over the weekend as much as the next gal, but I'm thankful now that when the sun comes up and shines through my window, I can get up and wish it a good morning, say "Toodles!" to that bed for a good number of hours, and live a little.

And I suspect I'm not the only one in the world who is thankful to be able to make his or her bed. Think about this man.

After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda,having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, "Do you want to be made well?" The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me." Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.

This Hebrew man went for thirty-eight years without making his bed. Thirty-eight years. I can't imagine. He was probably a paralytic, or at least a cripple. Thirty-eight years with no job but being a beggar. Thirty-eight years without a late-night or early morning walk along the shoreline. Thirty-eight years without dancing, leaping, sprinting, or jumping. Thirty-eight years is a long time.

But then, he is healed. He can do things for himself again. He can not only walk, but he can become a participating member of society again. He can take up his bed and carry it, despite not being able to pick himself up and get into a pool just moments before. Don't miss the detail, because it is important. He took up his bed. He walked. It was a miracle, but it involved a very mundane detail to most of us. But to that man, the act of taking up his bed meant everything in the world. It meant that things had changed.

I write this post hoping to inspire some perspective in you, my readers, who are generally quite well. Your burden--the task you have to do, don't want to do, are putting off doing--is my blessing. What you complain about as an insignificant detail of life, I rejoice in as a sign of healing.

Just remember that next time you straighten the sheets and smooth out the comforter. ~Nella Camille

A Simple Life

Last evening someone asked me a question I haven't quite been able to come up with an answer to: what is your dream job? This question was asked in the context of my current search for employment as things with my last job didn't seem to work out too well, and I'm hoping to have something else soon.

To be perfectly honest, I think I'd have to create a job in order for it to be my dream job. Right now, here is what my dream job description would look like:

1. A relaxed, positive environment in a low-stress situation. This, because it would promote my first priority of healing.
2. A challenge. Something I'm not used to. This, so that I can grow to be stronger.
3. An assignment which can be done in a variety of locations. This, so that I can work outside, inside, at home, or in an office.
4. A low-hours, high-pay job. This, because I'm still an idealist and haven't learned their isn't such a thing. :)
5. A position in which I can feel useful and beneficial to humanity. This, because I love people, and I do love work as well.
6. A supervisor who loves creativity and encourages it. This, so I can express myself daily rather than conform to a mold of professionalism.

My needs are really quite simple. At this point, my expenses are minimal. My view of life has also changed. I used to work, work, work so hard all day, every day. Now, most of my work is quite sedentary, sitting at my workstation in my room, typing away at my computer. But I have grown to love my new, slower-paced life. 

A simple life. A simple job. Simple joys. Simple happiness. That's now what I want from life, in a way I never did before. 

Fact is, I still need lots of down-time to rest after a big day full of activities. I need a morning here and there to just relax, unwind, and breathe deeply. Whether its a winter's morning with a mug of tea in my hand and a novel in my lap, or a spring afternoon spent sitting in the sun at the peninsula, my body has come to crave and enjoy these periods of rest. 

I want to be able to work at a job that can easily become invisible, blending quietly into the background of my life rather than dominating it. I want a job that accommodates my lifestyle of simplicity. It has become important to me. And I don't want to give it up. 

This isn't laziness. It's really the world the way it should be.

You see, I firmly believe that people should taste their food. They should savor every mouthful, distinguishing between the cool, crisp tastes of veggies, the sweet tang of dressing, and the warm neutral flavor of grilled chicken. I firmly believe that breathing deeply is the most overlooked, underrated form of anti-depressants and stress-relieving medication. I firmly believe that the simple act of writing your thoughts in a journal or in a personal letter allow for free expression of emotions which we so often forget to acknowledge. I firmly believe in singing, laughing, dancing, walking, running, splashing, and all the exuberance appropriate to accompany those things. I believe, simply, in living... and in living simply. 

And so, my profound advice to the world? Slow down. 

I found this hard to begin with during my illness. What? Slow down? But the world rests on my shoulders! If I say "no" to this or that, what will happen to this program or that group?

Trust me; it will keep going. 

But if you don't stop, you might not be able to. 

Rest. 

Come home, come home, and rest awhile. 

Simply living, breathing, and being,

Nella Camille

Heal vs Cure

This morning I was thinking about a particular issue and wondering what the cure was for that particular situation. A cure is something almost instant. It grants sure-fire, instant results. Our society is always searching for the cure... But I think there are very few cases in which we have actually found it.

Usually what we discover on our way to searching for a cure is actually more along the lines of symptom relief. We cover up the body's pain signals and declare that the problem has been fixed.

But has it been?

In some cases, yes. Taking Valtrex and slowly killing a virus in order that it can no longer reproduce itself does--after a long time--attack and solve a long-standing problem. But in another sense, the action of taking the medication can give an impression of curing a problem while actually leaving the root unaddressed.

The fact is, there is a reason why cell reproduction skyrockets out of control and mushrooms into cancer. There is an underlying cause for autoimmune diseases where the body attacks it's own organs as invaders. There is a breakdown in the body which is indicating that perfectly normal food is not able to be processed, causing a severe reaction. There is always a reason. The question is, what is that reason? And where do we look to find it?

I really can't answer that question for everyone and all cases. But I can tell you this: there is a reason.

The fact that I know that there is a reason gives me patience on the long road to healing. If I perceived Valtrex as a cure for my chronic fatigue, I am quite sure I would be very discouraged. Because, to be honest, I still have lots of issues that haven't been solved yet. Perhaps this is solely because of the candida overgrowth in my gut, but it seems as though there must be something deeper as relates to my energy production and metabolism that is still broken.

At least I know. This realization has come after a long time and after many reminders, but now at least this truth is on the forefront of my mind.

With this knowledge, I can do battle. I can continue to search for answers and helpful therapies. I've found one in particular that seems to help, and for it I am thankful.

I urge you that if you are dealing with a chronic illness, stop searching for "the cure". More than likely, there isn't one. Some people boast of being able to cure their cancer through this or that, but there is a reason we are all skeptical when we hear such claims. (Such as, well if it was really that easy, why doesn't it work for everyone?) and the reason for our skepticism is because we intuitively know, even if we cannot articulate, that in every body, there are underlying reasons why the body is responding in the way it is.

Cancer. Depression. Chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis. Muscle aches and pains. The common cold. AIDS.

I doubt if we'll ever find the cures. But we can look for the paths to healing. There may be more than one, but it is important to remember: there is one. If the path you're on isn't working, don't give into despair. Try a new one. Take notes of what works. And never give up. Hope may be hard to come by, but at least it never dies.*

Searching for healing,
~Nella Camille

*This last line from Joni Eareckson Tada's article in The Journal for the Christian Institute on Disability, "Hope is the Best of Things."

The Most Difficult Part of Illness & The Most Glorious Part of Healing

Hi, friends and readers :)

By this time, I would most definitely place myself in the category of a recovering CFS/ME patient. It's been a long, hard road. Hopefully this is the last time that EBV says "Boo!" to me as it jumps out of the shadows. It was nice to be able to say "Boo!" to it with vitamin IVs, a vacation in Atlanta, an extended prescription of Valacyclovir (Valtrex), completely cutting gluten out of my diet, and a ton of sleep.

Now, looking back, I'm beginning to be able to pick out the superlatives of my illness. When things were worst, what was worst, what I learned most, etc. Today I want to tell you about the most difficult part of my illness. I don't think it is something unique to me, either, because someone unexpectedly mentioned this in an e-mail as a difficult part of her trial as well.

It's isolation.

Life challenges and changes are, as a general rule, separate us from those we love. Death, moving away, breaking up a relationship, choosing a new life direction, and illness are all common changes or challenges which force us into isolation and separation. In some cases, it will lead to better, deeper, more fuller new relationships, but it really depends on the people you are around in your new situation and your ability to connect with them.

And that's why one of the important parts of healing is reconnection.

Society. To me, it's an exciting word. It's big. It's noisy. It's messy. But that big, noisy mess that can bring pain and shame also has limitless possibilities for love, growth, expansion, wonderment, dreams, and new horizons.

I love to explore it. I have loved exploring it. I've loved every conversation about the inauguration, literature, philosophy, women in the military, bacteria, wellness, weight loss, and doctor's appointments. I've loved every meal, car ride, cafe, and coffee shop where friendships have been rekindled. I've reveled in the phone dates and email conversations with far away friends. I've basked in the sense of new responsibility and independence that have come with getting a new job, depositing my first pay check, making my own loan payment, and using my debit card again.

World, you are beautiful. 

No longer alone,
Camille

My Constant Companions Are in for a Surprise

The past week I have been researching candida albicans, a wonderful little bacteria that has decided to stage a full-scale invasion into my gut. These little buggers feed on my favorite sweet treats, breads, and yeasts and keep viruses, fungus, and unhealthy bacteria alive and thriving. But these constant companions are in for a surprise: I plan to starve them to death. *insert devious grin*

While I've been trying to deal with dietary adjustments due to my many allergies (whiiiiich I never blogged about. Heh.) I haven't had the energy and discipline to start treating my candida, but that's going to change fairly soon. In fact, the more research I do, the quicker I want to begin getting these pesky little energy invaders out of my body!

A friend from church graciously let me borrow some of her candida resources. The past two days I've made it through nearly half of Complete Candida Yeast Guidebook, Revised 2nd Edition by Jeanne Marie Martin and Zolan P. Rona. Martin was a candida sufferer for many years, and Rona is an M.D., and both offer great advice for supplements, medications, and dietary changes to consider in order to make your body an inhospitable environment for candida. Another book, which I am certain will come in very handy when I actually get around to driving out the candida, is The Candida Control Cookbook by Gail Burton. As usual, these three authors have some differences of opinions on what foods are alright to eat while on a candida diet, so I will hopefully navigate the waters of "questionable foods" by trial and error and see how my own body reacts.

I chuckled at this paragraph in the book, and hope you will find it amusing as well.

Some people think that occasional cheating, having ice cream once a or twice a week, for example, is okay. If you wanted to starve someone and fed him or her twice a week, the person might never die. Likewise, yeast will not die if you feed them sweets or refined foods, even occasionally.

So whatever your dieting or weight loss goals are this year, resolve to take them prisoner, and together we will starve these problems to death!

Catharsis

I've blogged about some of my favorite words before, and this is another one that I would have to put on my list of favorite words: catharsis. Catharsis means purging, purification, or clarification, as relating to an individual's emotional state. Discovering catharsis has been a huge part of healing for me. (I just spelled 'discovering' as 'descovering.' Apparently my acquired dyslexia still is hanging around....) A cathartic conversation with a friend allows me to get emotions out. Sometimes it takes a while for the emotional state to resolve itself. Other times it comes very quickly. But I have discovered one thing: if I in any way try to short-circuit this emotional process of purging, I will inevitably inhibit healing. It has happened numerous times. Showing emotions is natural. There is nothing spiritual, attractive, or realistic about hiding them. When emotions remain suppressed they can lead to physical problems as well as greater and deeper emotional ones (stress, anger, anxiety, bitterness, depression).

This morning I was in need of a good bit of catharsis. I have been growing increasingly more frustrated with our insurance company and the manner in which they have been handling some of the bill submissions. For each provider, I am required to fill out a certain form, provide proof of payment, and make sure that certain information is present for each item. Today I worked on gathering and resubmitting some of this information for the third or fourth time. To make things more frustrating, some of the information that was alleged to be missing has indeed been on all the forms I have submitted. I am not submitting anything new this time around (except for a few new bills...) and yet I am being required to re-document and re-submit information which has already been provided. I'm also being asked to provide justification for my prescriptions, which has never been required before. The frustration boiled over in tears and a few outbursts of anger at the company itself, but now it's over. The forms are all in order, and I hope this time they will be accepted. If not, I might have a bit more catharsis to get out in a bit of a more robust manner, because sitting at a desk filling out forms isn't very cathartic. It was useful, but I think a half-hour session with a punching bag might have been more appropriate.

What I don't understand about these insurance companies and their nit-picky requirement is, don't they understand we are sick? Don't they understand how time-consuming these forms are? I have too often met with negligence, miscommunication, and a lack of clarity when working with these companies. Maybe I should cut them more slack than I do, because I genuinely don't understand how their systems work, but really? Not looking forward to health care becoming even worse when it becomes a socialized industry regulated by the government.....

Academic Plans

One aspect of my appointment that I didn't mention in my appointment review a few days ago was that Dr. Conley and I discussed my academic plans. Going back to school in January had been something my parents and I were still discussing. While I am anxious to return to school, there were a number of areas where healing needs to take place before I feel I am ready to go back.

I want to know I will be able to walk around campus, for one thing. I know a number of students who bike, but that hill going down from Hotchkiss scares me, and the idea of carrying a bike up and down all those steps isn't particularly appealing either. I have taken two walks so far, but the difficulty of doing even that was readily apparent the following day due to some strained or pulled muscles. I need to start doing baby-step workouts and build my body back to its old strength. 

Second, I'm still working on various aspects of social life, such as being able to handle seeing a lot of people in a short time (which inevitable happens in a college setting). Along with this consideration I include church attendance. Mine has been more consistent the past two weeks than it has for a long time, but it still has a long way to go. 

Third, with as disturbed as my sleeping patterns have been, I don't feel that living in a dorm (even one as quiet and well-behaved as Dixon) is in my best interest just yet. If off-campus living arrangements were feasible, I would probably take that option, but my inability to drive limits me in that respect, because I would have to live with someone who has a car and wouldn't mind taking me to campus. However, my special dietary restrictions also complicate living off-campus. 

Finally, there are certain spiritual aspects that make a return to Master's difficult at this point. In spiritual terms, this ongoing situation has been a trial of faith that has rocked my world and threatened my belief system. I do not pretend to have emerged unscathed.

So, for the time being, I will be at home at least until the Fall semester of 2013. The adventure continues.... :)

More Healing Hints

(1) Even more ability and willingness to socialize! Last week my mom and I went shopping for bathroom accessories (the actual remodeling will begin next week!!!), I went to two soccer games (okay, one was at the Y, but...), and my likkle bru-vah's youth rally.
(2) Starting to be able to sing sometimes. Or at least lip-syncing, if I'm not actually singing. Usually while I'm by myself and feeling a little on the crazy side.... :) Haha, I'm doing a music research problem for my friend, and I find myself dancing along, playing air guitar, and being generally ridiculous. It's fantastic, really.... :) There used to be certain kinds of songs I couldn't listen to when I was tired because they would make my heart race or blood pressure go up, but now that doesn't happen anymore either.
(3) Enjoyment of old hobbies, such as reading and writing letters, is coming back. Beth, your note is finally written and in the mail!
(4) Two short walks while we had some good weather last week.
(5) Ability to maintain and renew friendships. It's been so great to spend more time on the phone, writing e-mails, writing notes to those who I correspond with by mail, etc.
(6) Feeling like I could start a job soon, at least in the afternoons a few days a week. Not ready for full time yet, but soon I will be!
(7) Not only loving food, but helping out in the kitchen (my mom, or making myself food since I require a special diet still).
(8) Last night I had a really bad headache - the worst one since my headache that started after my appointment with Dr. Conley - but it went away with sleep! Yay! No more Horrible Horaces!
(9) People say I'm looking good... and I don't have to tell them I'm faking it. I don't feel like I really have an invisible illness anymore, because I am truly feeling so much better.
(10) I can't wait for November to get here, because it means my brother Ian will be home soon, I can't wait to make sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving, and I am looking forward at being crazy and attempting to write a 50,000 word novel for NaNoWriMo.

I have a phone consult with Dr. Conley this afternoon. What are you folks doing this Monday? :)

~Camille

Healing Hints

I promised some of you I would blog about the ways I can feel healing beginning to happen. This is a brief post with 10 ways in which I feel healing taking place.

(1) Cold symptoms - stuffy at night. You might not think this is a sign of healing, but to me, it shows that my immune system is beginning to funtion normally by fighting 'normal' sick issues.
(2) No brainfog!! Or when it's around, it does go away with rest.
(3) Improvement with rest. That seems like such a simple thing, but it is a function of the body that is somehow broken during CFS/ME.
(3) Ringing in ears has stopped. Wahoo! That was getting irritating....
(4) Not loosing my train of thought as much, not forgetting what I was saying, not searching for words.
(5) Trouble sleeping at night after electrotherapy. When my body's electrical pathways are properly stimulated, they do in fact respond correctly.
(6) Able to have lights on at night. I was on Skype last night and my friend could see me instead of just hear me! :)
(7) Significantly reduced stress levels. I feel at rest without having to naturally work on breathing or use some kind of somatic system. But, when I do feel stress, I am more aware of it and able to deal with it properly.
(8) Slight increase in ability to multitask. (Slight.)
(9) Ability to socialize is coming back. There was a point a few weeks ago where if you put me with people in a social setting, I would react very negatively. I didn't know what to say and felt very uncomfortable and easily overwhelmed. Many times I would just find a place to hide and cry.
(10) I love food and eating again. It feels normal, healthy, and natural.

All thanks to Dr. Agolli and the incredible staff at Progressive Medical Center in Atlanta, Georgia!