Thursday, November 8, 2012

Catharsis

I've blogged about some of my favorite words before, and this is another one that I would have to put on my list of favorite words: catharsis. Catharsis means purging, purification, or clarification, as relating to an individual's emotional state. Discovering catharsis has been a huge part of healing for me. (I just spelled 'discovering' as 'descovering.' Apparently my acquired dyslexia still is hanging around....) A cathartic conversation with a friend allows me to get emotions out. Sometimes it takes a while for the emotional state to resolve itself. Other times it comes very quickly. But I have discovered one thing: if I in any way try to short-circuit this emotional process of purging, I will inevitably inhibit healing. It has happened numerous times. Showing emotions is natural. There is nothing spiritual, attractive, or realistic about hiding them. When emotions remain suppressed they can lead to physical problems as well as greater and deeper emotional ones (stress, anger, anxiety, bitterness, depression).

This morning I was in need of a good bit of catharsis. I have been growing increasingly more frustrated with our insurance company and the manner in which they have been handling some of the bill submissions. For each provider, I am required to fill out a certain form, provide proof of payment, and make sure that certain information is present for each item. Today I worked on gathering and resubmitting some of this information for the third or fourth time. To make things more frustrating, some of the information that was alleged to be missing has indeed been on all the forms I have submitted. I am not submitting anything new this time around (except for a few new bills...) and yet I am being required to re-document and re-submit information which has already been provided. I'm also being asked to provide justification for my prescriptions, which has never been required before. The frustration boiled over in tears and a few outbursts of anger at the company itself, but now it's over. The forms are all in order, and I hope this time they will be accepted. If not, I might have a bit more catharsis to get out in a bit of a more robust manner, because sitting at a desk filling out forms isn't very cathartic. It was useful, but I think a half-hour session with a punching bag might have been more appropriate.

What I don't understand about these insurance companies and their nit-picky requirement is, don't they understand we are sick? Don't they understand how time-consuming these forms are? I have too often met with negligence, miscommunication, and a lack of clarity when working with these companies. Maybe I should cut them more slack than I do, because I genuinely don't understand how their systems work, but really? Not looking forward to health care becoming even worse when it becomes a socialized industry regulated by the government.....

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Three Reasons Today is Important to Me

Today is important to me for a number of reasons.

First, it's Election Day, and I am excited to cast my first presidential ballot. I've always been a bit of a political idealist. I love reading how politics are supposed to work based on the Constitution, electoral college, checks and balances, and the view that the best leaders would naturally rise to the top, like cream on milk. The political corruption which is reality saddens my heart, but I am still thankful for the moorings provided by the Constitution and the conscience of the American people.

Second, it's another day in NaNoWriMo - another day to write a story I feel has been pent up inside of me for a long time. Already my novel is at 12,000+ words on day six of this challenge, averaging a little more than 2,000 words a day. Writing this novel, is, in a sense, part of healing for me. This is not a novel that I ever think will be made available for publication (get real; I'm writing it in a month. It's going to suck!), but the experience of writing and the themes have nonetheless become very therapeutic.

The third reason today is important to me is a very sad reason, as today marks the funeral of an ME sufferer from the UK, Emily Rose Collingridge. I hope you will take a few minutes to Google her name or read an article about her case. Emily suffered from ME from the young age of 6 all the way to her death at 30 years of age. Her symptoms were many and very extreme, including periods of blindness, paralysis, and double incontinence. But in spite of being worse than bedridden, this extraordinary young lady became an advocate for ME sufferers and even wrote a book as a guide to living with the illness that claimed her life. Hats off to Emily. Her story has motivated me to raise what awareness I can in order to help severe ME patients know that they are not alone.

What makes today special to you?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Academic Plans

One aspect of my appointment that I didn't mention in my appointment review a few days ago was that Dr. Conley and I discussed my academic plans. Going back to school in January had been something my parents and I were still discussing. While I am anxious to return to school, there were a number of areas where healing needs to take place before I feel I am ready to go back.

I want to know I will be able to walk around campus, for one thing. I know a number of students who bike, but that hill going down from Hotchkiss scares me, and the idea of carrying a bike up and down all those steps isn't particularly appealing either. I have taken two walks so far, but the difficulty of doing even that was readily apparent the following day due to some strained or pulled muscles. I need to start doing baby-step workouts and build my body back to its old strength. 

Second, I'm still working on various aspects of social life, such as being able to handle seeing a lot of people in a short time (which inevitable happens in a college setting). Along with this consideration I include church attendance. Mine has been more consistent the past two weeks than it has for a long time, but it still has a long way to go. 

Third, with as disturbed as my sleeping patterns have been, I don't feel that living in a dorm (even one as quiet and well-behaved as Dixon) is in my best interest just yet. If off-campus living arrangements were feasible, I would probably take that option, but my inability to drive limits me in that respect, because I would have to live with someone who has a car and wouldn't mind taking me to campus. However, my special dietary restrictions also complicate living off-campus. 

Finally, there are certain spiritual aspects that make a return to Master's difficult at this point. In spiritual terms, this ongoing situation has been a trial of faith that has rocked my world and threatened my belief system. I do not pretend to have emerged unscathed.

So, for the time being, I will be at home at least until the Fall semester of 2013. The adventure continues.... :)