Last Night

I could tell after only a few minutes sitting down that the lighting issue had not been resolved. The yellow light seemed in some ways too bright, in other ways, too dim to properly see. The power point presentation glared, just the same way as it had last week. But not wanting to appear inattentive, I put up with it. It was a little better after the slides were finished and there was only speaking. The speaker was pacing back and forth. I settled down and just watched. I didn't make the effort to turn my head or neck. Perhaps that was a mistake. Perhaps if I had, what happened later would have been averted. I can't be sure either way.

In any case, suddenly, within a matter of seconds, I realised that I couldn't move. My legs were slightly crossed at the ankles. I could not move my legs, ankles, even my toes. My arms were folded one over the other. I couldn't move any of those either. All that I could move was my eye muscles. Back and forth, back and forth; up and down, up and down. I tried moving other muscles in concert with them. I tried to turn my neck. But as I tried, I felt a sensation of something clenching - gripping - grasping - at the base of my brain above the brain stem. My entire body began to clench, but not to constrict. I was a statue, only seeing and hearing and thinking, but completely and utterly unable to move. My jaw locked along with my neck, and even if someone had asked me if I was okay or not, I would have been unable to respond other than by a movement of my eyes. Stuck. At the end of the service, when my mom asked me what was wrong, tears began to slide down my cheeks. That was all I could do - cry.

There were things I wanted to say - things I wanted to do - people I wanted to hug and thank and encourage. My heart was so full, but the vehicle for conveying truth was utterly stopped. It took energy and effort to mutter a few words, and most of the time I wasn't understood or heard after all the effort.

Frustrated. Am I going to have to stop goming to church entirely? Am I going to be forced into sitting in the back where I can hear but not have to look up at whoever is speaking? Frustrated... because fellowship is being denied to me.

Oh, Abba, I know that 'this too will pass'. Help me to be patient until it does.


The neck unlocked, over an hour later. I can walk again. I can move my neck freely from side to side. But the fear that it will come back is strong.

And yet, I have a will to fight. This will comes from God's word, which tells me that He is good. He tells me to be strong and courageous, and that He is near me. And so I will wait, and pray, and do what I can do.