Boundaries

The memory of the phone conversation is still fresh, even though it happened some time ago. I wasn't looking forward to it before it started, nor do I have pleasant memories of it afterward. It was one of those conversations where you feel as though you have been elected into playing a game of Truth or Dare, in spite of all protests. Trapped.

Lately, I've been feeling less like a victim and more in control when I find myself in a situation such as the one I describe above. I have a few secret weapons that I carry concealed with me for just these occasions. 

My first secret weapon is the power of saying 'No.' You see, this isn't a game of Truth or Dare, and I'm pretty sure people lie in that game anyway. If someone asks, "Truth: tell me about ________," I can smile and say, "Why do you want to know?" or, "Is that really any of your business?" Another similar secret weapon is tailoring my answer so that the audience I am addressing is satisfied. This removes me from a situation where I will be put on the defensive. 

My most important secret weapon is that of boundaries. You have no idea how helpful these can be! They are similar to saying 'no,' but usually a bit more gentle with less appearance of rudeness ;) The beauty of boundaries is that I can set up a unique set of boundaries based on the circumstances I find myself in or the people I am interacting with. Boundaries are always in flux, but I am always careful to define them. 

What leaves a bitter taste in my mouth is when people ignore my boundaries, hurting me. Usually these people are terrible at enforcing their own boundaries. They have no idea that it is okay to say 'no.' They have no idea what you mean when you say 'no.' (Think puppy....) 

What is tricky is that as a person, you may or may not recognize your own tendencies to violate or respect the boundaries of others unless you ask those around you. For years I knew an older woman who had NO sense of the boundaries of her family, yet had a very clear and active sense of justice when her own boundaries were violated. But she is learning now by life experience that boundaries are important for everyone, not just her. She is improving. And it is beautiful to watch. On the other hand, I feel as though every time I encounter a young woman who has a poorly defined sense of personal boundaries or the boundaries of others, I don't even want to be friends with that person any,ore. It's too risky... too dangerous.

Thoughts on treating all people with honor, dignity, and respect.... Consider your boundaries, and those of the people surrounding you.

(There is a book out right now by Cloud and Townsend called Boundaries. I've only been able to skim it myself, but I have been told that it is good.)