A Simple Life

Last evening someone asked me a question I haven't quite been able to come up with an answer to: what is your dream job? This question was asked in the context of my current search for employment as things with my last job didn't seem to work out too well, and I'm hoping to have something else soon.

To be perfectly honest, I think I'd have to create a job in order for it to be my dream job. Right now, here is what my dream job description would look like:

1. A relaxed, positive environment in a low-stress situation. This, because it would promote my first priority of healing.
2. A challenge. Something I'm not used to. This, so that I can grow to be stronger.
3. An assignment which can be done in a variety of locations. This, so that I can work outside, inside, at home, or in an office.
4. A low-hours, high-pay job. This, because I'm still an idealist and haven't learned their isn't such a thing. :)
5. A position in which I can feel useful and beneficial to humanity. This, because I love people, and I do love work as well.
6. A supervisor who loves creativity and encourages it. This, so I can express myself daily rather than conform to a mold of professionalism.

My needs are really quite simple. At this point, my expenses are minimal. My view of life has also changed. I used to work, work, work so hard all day, every day. Now, most of my work is quite sedentary, sitting at my workstation in my room, typing away at my computer. But I have grown to love my new, slower-paced life. 

A simple life. A simple job. Simple joys. Simple happiness. That's now what I want from life, in a way I never did before. 

Fact is, I still need lots of down-time to rest after a big day full of activities. I need a morning here and there to just relax, unwind, and breathe deeply. Whether its a winter's morning with a mug of tea in my hand and a novel in my lap, or a spring afternoon spent sitting in the sun at the peninsula, my body has come to crave and enjoy these periods of rest. 

I want to be able to work at a job that can easily become invisible, blending quietly into the background of my life rather than dominating it. I want a job that accommodates my lifestyle of simplicity. It has become important to me. And I don't want to give it up. 

This isn't laziness. It's really the world the way it should be.

You see, I firmly believe that people should taste their food. They should savor every mouthful, distinguishing between the cool, crisp tastes of veggies, the sweet tang of dressing, and the warm neutral flavor of grilled chicken. I firmly believe that breathing deeply is the most overlooked, underrated form of anti-depressants and stress-relieving medication. I firmly believe that the simple act of writing your thoughts in a journal or in a personal letter allow for free expression of emotions which we so often forget to acknowledge. I firmly believe in singing, laughing, dancing, walking, running, splashing, and all the exuberance appropriate to accompany those things. I believe, simply, in living... and in living simply. 

And so, my profound advice to the world? Slow down. 

I found this hard to begin with during my illness. What? Slow down? But the world rests on my shoulders! If I say "no" to this or that, what will happen to this program or that group?

Trust me; it will keep going. 

But if you don't stop, you might not be able to. 

Rest. 

Come home, come home, and rest awhile. 

Simply living, breathing, and being,

Nella Camille

Heal vs Cure

This morning I was thinking about a particular issue and wondering what the cure was for that particular situation. A cure is something almost instant. It grants sure-fire, instant results. Our society is always searching for the cure... But I think there are very few cases in which we have actually found it.

Usually what we discover on our way to searching for a cure is actually more along the lines of symptom relief. We cover up the body's pain signals and declare that the problem has been fixed.

But has it been?

In some cases, yes. Taking Valtrex and slowly killing a virus in order that it can no longer reproduce itself does--after a long time--attack and solve a long-standing problem. But in another sense, the action of taking the medication can give an impression of curing a problem while actually leaving the root unaddressed.

The fact is, there is a reason why cell reproduction skyrockets out of control and mushrooms into cancer. There is an underlying cause for autoimmune diseases where the body attacks it's own organs as invaders. There is a breakdown in the body which is indicating that perfectly normal food is not able to be processed, causing a severe reaction. There is always a reason. The question is, what is that reason? And where do we look to find it?

I really can't answer that question for everyone and all cases. But I can tell you this: there is a reason.

The fact that I know that there is a reason gives me patience on the long road to healing. If I perceived Valtrex as a cure for my chronic fatigue, I am quite sure I would be very discouraged. Because, to be honest, I still have lots of issues that haven't been solved yet. Perhaps this is solely because of the candida overgrowth in my gut, but it seems as though there must be something deeper as relates to my energy production and metabolism that is still broken.

At least I know. This realization has come after a long time and after many reminders, but now at least this truth is on the forefront of my mind.

With this knowledge, I can do battle. I can continue to search for answers and helpful therapies. I've found one in particular that seems to help, and for it I am thankful.

I urge you that if you are dealing with a chronic illness, stop searching for "the cure". More than likely, there isn't one. Some people boast of being able to cure their cancer through this or that, but there is a reason we are all skeptical when we hear such claims. (Such as, well if it was really that easy, why doesn't it work for everyone?) and the reason for our skepticism is because we intuitively know, even if we cannot articulate, that in every body, there are underlying reasons why the body is responding in the way it is.

Cancer. Depression. Chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis. Muscle aches and pains. The common cold. AIDS.

I doubt if we'll ever find the cures. But we can look for the paths to healing. There may be more than one, but it is important to remember: there is one. If the path you're on isn't working, don't give into despair. Try a new one. Take notes of what works. And never give up. Hope may be hard to come by, but at least it never dies.*

Searching for healing,
~Nella Camille

*This last line from Joni Eareckson Tada's article in The Journal for the Christian Institute on Disability, "Hope is the Best of Things."

The Most Difficult Part of Illness & The Most Glorious Part of Healing

Hi, friends and readers :)

By this time, I would most definitely place myself in the category of a recovering CFS/ME patient. It's been a long, hard road. Hopefully this is the last time that EBV says "Boo!" to me as it jumps out of the shadows. It was nice to be able to say "Boo!" to it with vitamin IVs, a vacation in Atlanta, an extended prescription of Valacyclovir (Valtrex), completely cutting gluten out of my diet, and a ton of sleep.

Now, looking back, I'm beginning to be able to pick out the superlatives of my illness. When things were worst, what was worst, what I learned most, etc. Today I want to tell you about the most difficult part of my illness. I don't think it is something unique to me, either, because someone unexpectedly mentioned this in an e-mail as a difficult part of her trial as well.

It's isolation.

Life challenges and changes are, as a general rule, separate us from those we love. Death, moving away, breaking up a relationship, choosing a new life direction, and illness are all common changes or challenges which force us into isolation and separation. In some cases, it will lead to better, deeper, more fuller new relationships, but it really depends on the people you are around in your new situation and your ability to connect with them.

And that's why one of the important parts of healing is reconnection.

Society. To me, it's an exciting word. It's big. It's noisy. It's messy. But that big, noisy mess that can bring pain and shame also has limitless possibilities for love, growth, expansion, wonderment, dreams, and new horizons.

I love to explore it. I have loved exploring it. I've loved every conversation about the inauguration, literature, philosophy, women in the military, bacteria, wellness, weight loss, and doctor's appointments. I've loved every meal, car ride, cafe, and coffee shop where friendships have been rekindled. I've reveled in the phone dates and email conversations with far away friends. I've basked in the sense of new responsibility and independence that have come with getting a new job, depositing my first pay check, making my own loan payment, and using my debit card again.

World, you are beautiful. 

No longer alone,
Camille

My Constant Companions Are in for a Surprise

The past week I have been researching candida albicans, a wonderful little bacteria that has decided to stage a full-scale invasion into my gut. These little buggers feed on my favorite sweet treats, breads, and yeasts and keep viruses, fungus, and unhealthy bacteria alive and thriving. But these constant companions are in for a surprise: I plan to starve them to death. *insert devious grin*

While I've been trying to deal with dietary adjustments due to my many allergies (whiiiiich I never blogged about. Heh.) I haven't had the energy and discipline to start treating my candida, but that's going to change fairly soon. In fact, the more research I do, the quicker I want to begin getting these pesky little energy invaders out of my body!

A friend from church graciously let me borrow some of her candida resources. The past two days I've made it through nearly half of Complete Candida Yeast Guidebook, Revised 2nd Edition by Jeanne Marie Martin and Zolan P. Rona. Martin was a candida sufferer for many years, and Rona is an M.D., and both offer great advice for supplements, medications, and dietary changes to consider in order to make your body an inhospitable environment for candida. Another book, which I am certain will come in very handy when I actually get around to driving out the candida, is The Candida Control Cookbook by Gail Burton. As usual, these three authors have some differences of opinions on what foods are alright to eat while on a candida diet, so I will hopefully navigate the waters of "questionable foods" by trial and error and see how my own body reacts.

I chuckled at this paragraph in the book, and hope you will find it amusing as well.

Some people think that occasional cheating, having ice cream once a or twice a week, for example, is okay. If you wanted to starve someone and fed him or her twice a week, the person might never die. Likewise, yeast will not die if you feed them sweets or refined foods, even occasionally.

So whatever your dieting or weight loss goals are this year, resolve to take them prisoner, and together we will starve these problems to death!

January Report

Hey, friends and faithful readers!

January has been an up-and-down month, as Januaries usually seem to be (for me). It started out with a lot of excitement about my new job working in an office in Erie. Then right after I started working I got a bad cold and so I was back to being a sickie for a while. But now I'm doing better and am excited again about regaining independence and health. I've still been doing normal-people things, albeit my life is still a bit duller than most people's. I've been doing quite a bit of reading recently. My favorite thing to read at the moment is The Journal of The Christian Institute on Disability. It was published by Joni and Friends and sent to me by my friend Molly, who works for JAF in their response department. The journal articles have really been stimulating my thinking in a lot of different ways, and I think I've really benefited from reading them by becoming even more empathetic towards people with struggles I sometimes have difficulty relating to. I recommend it to anyone!

One simple way to show empathy for people with disabilities is participating in JAF's Heart for the Disabled project. If you like making homemade cards, being encouraging, and enjoy mail, you should participate :) Check out this link and the video on this page for more details!

More Normalcy

A few months ago, if you would have looked at my to-do list, it would have looked something like this:

(1) Take supplements
(2) Read
(3) Write letters
(4) Blog
(5) Rest a lot
(6) Watch movies

About two months ago, it looked like this:

(1) Take supplements
(2) Take it easy
(3) Don't screw anything up
(4) Heal

A month ago, it looked like this:

(1) Take supplements
(2) Start walking
(3) Start being more social
(4) Pursue normal-people activities
(5) Continue healing

Now, it looks like any normal person's to-do list... but "take supplements" is still the first thing to do every morning :)

Every month I evaluate where I am and I decide what priorities I need to pursue in order to be more normal and get back to having a typical twenty-something year old's life. I feel like I'm still playing catch up, but that feeling lessens when I look back at the beginning of a new month and see what I have accomplished.

One goal I set for myself in the month of January was to get a job. This is a big step of getting back to normal - one that has to be pursued carefully. I knew that I needed a sitting-down job with not too early hours, preferably in a relatively placid environment. I assumed that this would take a bit of doing to find, but I was eager to start, so I began looking last Saturday online at Craig's List, Erie Times News classifieds, Monster, Snag-a-Job, and a number of other websites. I filled out a number of applications, sent my resume to more than a dozen potential employers, and waited. I got one scam call, and another scam e-mail. That was funny, but discouraging :P

On Wednesday I got a call from a fellow named Andrew Wagner (who said that he pretty much called me since we had the same last name) asking me to interview for his company on Friday. Friday I went in for the interview, that evening they called me back for another interview the following day, and after the second interview I was asked to come in to work on Monday morning. Talk about fast!!

And so, I am now employed part-time as an administrative assistant on the west side of Erie.

And there you have it; another step closer to normalcy.

Excited about life,
Camille

Normal-Person Busyness

Hellooooooo out there!

Yeah. It's been a while. But, I have reasons...! One reason is that I've been being normal-person busy.

See, sick-person busy is great. It's watching movies, eating three meals a day in bed (if you want), lots of yummy tasting liquid and chew-able vitamins, and keeping whatever hours you want. But you can only watch so much Little House on the Prairie before you're bored to tears....

But the past month or so, I've been normal-person busy - out of bed, up and around, going places and doing things.

I took up a new hobby: family history. I've sorted old pictures, spent way too many hours in the Heritage Room at the library, scrutinized old census records, squealed in excitement over discovering someone's wife's maiden name, and called churches to look up confirmation records. I've found news articles, pictures of grave sites, and obituaries. I've mentally mapped out locations where my ancestors have lived. I have discovered and read first-hand records left by my great-uncle Al who survived World War II as a German refugee. I have discovered and read letters written by my great grandparents, grandparents, father, and uncles written to my aunt while she was attending college. I found and have read a book answering many questions about my grandmother's upbringing and family life. I have a wonderful twenty-one page document, assimilating and containing all this information. My family. My roots. A living tree. It's a wonderful feeling.

Unfortunately, I've been rather stuck for about a week now. It's hard to go back past 7 or 8 generations even in a good line. Some lines I've barely made it back three generations. It's been a lot of work, but it has been good work, and I believe hours well spent.

I've also taken to doing a lot more reading than I had been recently. I re-read Emma, The Secret Garden, The Hobbit, The Count of Monte Cristo and other classics. My favorite, of course, was finishing The Most of P. G. Wodehouse. If I can write one novel in the style of Wodehouse, I will consider myself a good author, even if no one else acknowledges my literary achievement. :) The addition of a Kindle to my stash of prized possessions will ensure that much more reading will come in the near future as well!

Another activity that has been occupying time spent at home has been sewing and other crafty projects. It started around the beginning of December when I made a batch of home-made Christmas cards using card stock and brown-paper bags. I didn't have any glitter so I decorated them with Kosher salt crystals instead, which looked rather like snow, if I do say so myself.

Then my domestic ambitions were heightened and I decided to experiment with some garment alterations. I have several skirts made from good material that are simply no longer in style. So, out came the scissors and I shortened them (and skinny-fied them, since I haven't exactly been eating bon-bons and chocolate truffles...). And vwalah, I have several skirts I will be able to wear when the weather gets warmer again! Most of the alterations were very simple. The most complicated one was a tiered skirt. I removed the top tier with its waistband, skinny-fied it by taking up one of the side seams, put a zipper in the side seam (since before it had been elastic-waist) and then made a new waistband. I became very good friends with the seam ripper on that skirt. It was a pain in the neck. But now it's all done!!!

Other miscellaneous activities: going to a game night, making cookies, cooking wonderful food, taking walks, working out, teaching myself some yoga, bandying with insurance companies, decorating a demon-possessed Christmas tree, etc.

To keep from boring you, the most adventurous normal-person thing I've done has been to build a resume. One of my brother's friends has agreed to take a look at it before I submit it anywhere, so hopefully he'll be able to give me some good feedback and things will go well from there. I've spent a little bit of time looking for office assistant jobs on craigslist and some other job sites. I'm excited to start working again, getting out of the house, doing things, seeing people, making a difference in the world.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Camille

Catharsis

I've blogged about some of my favorite words before, and this is another one that I would have to put on my list of favorite words: catharsis. Catharsis means purging, purification, or clarification, as relating to an individual's emotional state. Discovering catharsis has been a huge part of healing for me. (I just spelled 'discovering' as 'descovering.' Apparently my acquired dyslexia still is hanging around....) A cathartic conversation with a friend allows me to get emotions out. Sometimes it takes a while for the emotional state to resolve itself. Other times it comes very quickly. But I have discovered one thing: if I in any way try to short-circuit this emotional process of purging, I will inevitably inhibit healing. It has happened numerous times. Showing emotions is natural. There is nothing spiritual, attractive, or realistic about hiding them. When emotions remain suppressed they can lead to physical problems as well as greater and deeper emotional ones (stress, anger, anxiety, bitterness, depression).

This morning I was in need of a good bit of catharsis. I have been growing increasingly more frustrated with our insurance company and the manner in which they have been handling some of the bill submissions. For each provider, I am required to fill out a certain form, provide proof of payment, and make sure that certain information is present for each item. Today I worked on gathering and resubmitting some of this information for the third or fourth time. To make things more frustrating, some of the information that was alleged to be missing has indeed been on all the forms I have submitted. I am not submitting anything new this time around (except for a few new bills...) and yet I am being required to re-document and re-submit information which has already been provided. I'm also being asked to provide justification for my prescriptions, which has never been required before. The frustration boiled over in tears and a few outbursts of anger at the company itself, but now it's over. The forms are all in order, and I hope this time they will be accepted. If not, I might have a bit more catharsis to get out in a bit of a more robust manner, because sitting at a desk filling out forms isn't very cathartic. It was useful, but I think a half-hour session with a punching bag might have been more appropriate.

What I don't understand about these insurance companies and their nit-picky requirement is, don't they understand we are sick? Don't they understand how time-consuming these forms are? I have too often met with negligence, miscommunication, and a lack of clarity when working with these companies. Maybe I should cut them more slack than I do, because I genuinely don't understand how their systems work, but really? Not looking forward to health care becoming even worse when it becomes a socialized industry regulated by the government.....

Three Reasons Today is Important to Me

Today is important to me for a number of reasons.

First, it's Election Day, and I am excited to cast my first presidential ballot. I've always been a bit of a political idealist. I love reading how politics are supposed to work based on the Constitution, electoral college, checks and balances, and the view that the best leaders would naturally rise to the top, like cream on milk. The political corruption which is reality saddens my heart, but I am still thankful for the moorings provided by the Constitution and the conscience of the American people.

Second, it's another day in NaNoWriMo - another day to write a story I feel has been pent up inside of me for a long time. Already my novel is at 12,000+ words on day six of this challenge, averaging a little more than 2,000 words a day. Writing this novel, is, in a sense, part of healing for me. This is not a novel that I ever think will be made available for publication (get real; I'm writing it in a month. It's going to suck!), but the experience of writing and the themes have nonetheless become very therapeutic.

The third reason today is important to me is a very sad reason, as today marks the funeral of an ME sufferer from the UK, Emily Rose Collingridge. I hope you will take a few minutes to Google her name or read an article about her case. Emily suffered from ME from the young age of 6 all the way to her death at 30 years of age. Her symptoms were many and very extreme, including periods of blindness, paralysis, and double incontinence. But in spite of being worse than bedridden, this extraordinary young lady became an advocate for ME sufferers and even wrote a book as a guide to living with the illness that claimed her life. Hats off to Emily. Her story has motivated me to raise what awareness I can in order to help severe ME patients know that they are not alone.

What makes today special to you?

Academic Plans

One aspect of my appointment that I didn't mention in my appointment review a few days ago was that Dr. Conley and I discussed my academic plans. Going back to school in January had been something my parents and I were still discussing. While I am anxious to return to school, there were a number of areas where healing needs to take place before I feel I am ready to go back.

I want to know I will be able to walk around campus, for one thing. I know a number of students who bike, but that hill going down from Hotchkiss scares me, and the idea of carrying a bike up and down all those steps isn't particularly appealing either. I have taken two walks so far, but the difficulty of doing even that was readily apparent the following day due to some strained or pulled muscles. I need to start doing baby-step workouts and build my body back to its old strength. 

Second, I'm still working on various aspects of social life, such as being able to handle seeing a lot of people in a short time (which inevitable happens in a college setting). Along with this consideration I include church attendance. Mine has been more consistent the past two weeks than it has for a long time, but it still has a long way to go. 

Third, with as disturbed as my sleeping patterns have been, I don't feel that living in a dorm (even one as quiet and well-behaved as Dixon) is in my best interest just yet. If off-campus living arrangements were feasible, I would probably take that option, but my inability to drive limits me in that respect, because I would have to live with someone who has a car and wouldn't mind taking me to campus. However, my special dietary restrictions also complicate living off-campus. 

Finally, there are certain spiritual aspects that make a return to Master's difficult at this point. In spiritual terms, this ongoing situation has been a trial of faith that has rocked my world and threatened my belief system. I do not pretend to have emerged unscathed.

So, for the time being, I will be at home at least until the Fall semester of 2013. The adventure continues.... :)