Bitterness Poured Off, MacArthur

...we invariably get into trouble when we don't have problems because we don't really grow. In Jeremiah 48:11, God is preparing to judge Moab, and He says,

Moab has been at ease since his youth;
He has also been undisturbed on his lees,
Neither has he been emptied from vessel to vessel,
Nor has he gone into exile.
Therefore he retains his flavor, and his aroma has not been changed.

     The people of Moab had had it so easy and so smooth that they had become rancid. The analogy Jeremiah uses is from winemaking. Winemakers in Jeremiah's day put crushed grapes in a container and let them sit. Eventually the bitterness and the sediment--called the lees, or the dregs--would settle into the bottom. The winemaker would pour the wine off the top into another vessel, and the remaining bitterness would settle into the bottom of the second container in more sediment. Then he would pour that wine into another container, and another, and another--and over a period of time, all of the sediment and its bitterness would be removed (they used it to make vinegar), and the wine would have the aroma of sweetness that the winemaker wanted it to have.
     Moab had never lost its bitterness, because the people had never been poured from difficult situation to difficult situation, where the bitterness could be purged out.
     We are better off in life if God pours us from trial to trial, because each time we're poured into a different trial, each time we're confined in a different undesirable circumstance, a little of the bitterness of life is removed. Finally, one day God pours us out of the last trial and all that remains is the sweet aroma that He was after all the time--the bitterness is all gone.

From The Ultimate Priority, chapter 14 "Worship as It Was Meant to Be," pp. 152-153. Written by John MacArthur. 

Last Night

I could tell after only a few minutes sitting down that the lighting issue had not been resolved. The yellow light seemed in some ways too bright, in other ways, too dim to properly see. The power point presentation glared, just the same way as it had last week. But not wanting to appear inattentive, I put up with it. It was a little better after the slides were finished and there was only speaking. The speaker was pacing back and forth. I settled down and just watched. I didn't make the effort to turn my head or neck. Perhaps that was a mistake. Perhaps if I had, what happened later would have been averted. I can't be sure either way.

In any case, suddenly, within a matter of seconds, I realised that I couldn't move. My legs were slightly crossed at the ankles. I could not move my legs, ankles, even my toes. My arms were folded one over the other. I couldn't move any of those either. All that I could move was my eye muscles. Back and forth, back and forth; up and down, up and down. I tried moving other muscles in concert with them. I tried to turn my neck. But as I tried, I felt a sensation of something clenching - gripping - grasping - at the base of my brain above the brain stem. My entire body began to clench, but not to constrict. I was a statue, only seeing and hearing and thinking, but completely and utterly unable to move. My jaw locked along with my neck, and even if someone had asked me if I was okay or not, I would have been unable to respond other than by a movement of my eyes. Stuck. At the end of the service, when my mom asked me what was wrong, tears began to slide down my cheeks. That was all I could do - cry.

There were things I wanted to say - things I wanted to do - people I wanted to hug and thank and encourage. My heart was so full, but the vehicle for conveying truth was utterly stopped. It took energy and effort to mutter a few words, and most of the time I wasn't understood or heard after all the effort.

Frustrated. Am I going to have to stop goming to church entirely? Am I going to be forced into sitting in the back where I can hear but not have to look up at whoever is speaking? Frustrated... because fellowship is being denied to me.

Oh, Abba, I know that 'this too will pass'. Help me to be patient until it does.


The neck unlocked, over an hour later. I can walk again. I can move my neck freely from side to side. But the fear that it will come back is strong.

And yet, I have a will to fight. This will comes from God's word, which tells me that He is good. He tells me to be strong and courageous, and that He is near me. And so I will wait, and pray, and do what I can do.

The Monstrous Regiment of... Doctors

Some have asked me what kinds of doctors I have seen, and which ones have been helpful. This is an attempt to answer that question.

In August 2010 I saw an MD who was... well... not very helpful. At that point, I was pretty sure that even if I was tested for acute mononucleosis, nothing would show up in a blood test, but I was curious if he could do anything or recommend anything helpful. Unfortunately, I felt that this trip was a waste of the money we paid to see him. He told me simply to listen to my body and allow it to dictate what I could and could not do. That advice was helpful... but I'm not particularly good at following it. As I thought, the blood test he ordered said that I did not currently have mono.

After that, I decided not to see any doctors for a long time, and my symptoms gradually declined due to better nutrition and a consistent dosage of vitamins. They disappeared entirely when I stopped eating sugar in October of 2010, but my strength did not completely return. I thought that would come with time.

The next time I saw a doctor was not until January of 2012 - this year. My friends urged me to see a doctor during the fall semester of school (Fall 2011) but I decided to wait until I was home. By that point, I had all of the symptoms mentioned in my posts about myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), and even a few more or at least several were more acute.

My mamma has always pursued a more homeopathic, naturalistic philosophy of healing. Being more of that persuasion myself - and slightly disillusioned by my experience with the MD in Aug 2010, I decided to see a nutritionist. I had heard of many stories of people in my church who saw a nutritionist, and after changing their diets a certain way had symptoms and conditions disappear entirely. I had high hopes. I found a doctor who saw patients at my chiropractor's office. He was a nutritionist, kinesiologist, and a chiropractor himself. He was able to recommend and suggest some things I thought would be very helpful. Under his direction, I returned to a completely no-sugar diet and put me on a liver cleanse and strict eating plan that was meat free, dairy free, and gluten free. After a month when I started adding 'normal' foods back into my diet, I felt slightly, but not remarkably, different. He ordered some bloodwork just to check some standard levels. Everything came back well within the ranges of normalcy.

Sadly, although I felt the care I was receiving from this doctor was good and beneficial, I don't think he really understood enough about ME to diagnose or specifically treat that. Also, he sadly moved away. So I started looking for another doctor.

A number of people at this point pressured me to try to pursue a more traditionally medical approach for a diagnosis or some relief, so in April of 2012 I saw an MD who ordered another batch of bloodwork, this time testing my thyroid, for Lyme's disease, and a few other random viruses. Again, the bloodwork came back completely normal aside from one test which showed that I had had mono in the past, and he didn't have any ideas or suggestions aside from asking if I thought I needed to be put on antidepressants. (I said no thanks.)

A good friend recommended next that I see a cranial osteopath. She sent me a link to The Cranial Academy so that I could search for one in my zip code. I ended up finding and seeing an osteopath, but one who does not really practice cranial osteopathy. However, his insight has been interesting. His basic diagnosis was that I have a chronic case of mono (as opposed to an acute one) - one with recurrent mono symptoms without an actual virus. His recommended treatment was a seven day dosage of an antiviral called Valcitrax. Antivirals work by tricking a virus's DNA to recopy itself - only with a faulty, malfunctioning form of the virus itself. While I was on the antiviral, I had an amazing streak of eight wonderful, energetic days. A few weeks after the treatment was finished, I also had another even better streak of nearly two weeks during which I led an almost normal, pre-illness life - volunteering at my church's VBS, cooking meals and engaging in house work, and I even started doing some light workouts. However, that streak crashed. The problem wasn't solved. The antiviral was only slightly successful, apparently, providing temporary, but not long term, relief.

I am currently looking for another cranial osteopath to see, but also researching some doctors who specialize in ME. For those of you who are looking for a doctor who has a track record of treating ME patients, I recommend checking out these lists.

http://www.co-cure.org/Good-Doc.htm
http://www.beatcfsandfms.org/html/DocLocator.html
http://www.name-us.org/Links.htm#Doctors/Researchers

Little by Little, Inch by Inch

Have you ever been involved in a huge project, one that seemed beyond your ability to begin or complete? Right now I am in the midst of a few of those kinds of projects. One began about a year ago when I started researching and purchasing replacement items for our upstairs bathroom. It took a long time to decide what color scheme, what finish of fixtures, which vanity, and what kind of tile would be both attractive and good quality. I spent lots of time reading reviews of items and trying to compare prices. Now, a year later, I've finally started the stripping of the current wallpaper - after still more research on the best way to do that and a few trips to the store for supplies! Removing the wallpaper means that all the cheap vinyl baseboard had to come off, too. And the border around the ceiling. And the screws and wall fixtures. Next will be the ripping out of the linoleum tiling. But it all takes time... and effort. Sometimes I am able to work for a long time, but other days I feel like I just got everything set and then I feel like I have to lay down. But the key is progress a little bit at a time - "little by little, inch by inch." Lots of things in life work by that principle. Growing up, education, reading a book (one word at a time), or even writing this blog post. Nothing happens immediately, but with time, effort, and a little patience, the finished result of diligence is worth it.

A Big Blessing - A True Friend

Photo Credit: Isaac. Because we are that good at self-portraits!

Do you have a friend - a special friend who always seems to understand? I do. His name is Isaac, and right now I am blessed to be spending a lot of time with him since he is visiting me! We're watching my favorite movies, trying new recipes, taking walks, dominating at Sudoku, studying history, and playing games. 

What's so great about Isaac is that not only is he my friend, he is also good at taking care of me and is understanding of my physical limitations. There are few friends who are truly accommodating of an invisible illness, but he is one of them for sure. He just somehow knows when I've had enough activity and need a break. He is willing to run downstairs and grab the cup of water I forgot again, or make a trip down the basement while we're cooking to find an ingredient we need. And he does it all willingly! And did I mention he has great taste in music? He pointed out to me that two of the three "encouraging songs" I posted a few days ago were his recommendations. 

Thanks for loving me, Friend. I'm blessed to know you. 

Internet Church-Goer

On my primary blog, Think Upon These Things, I posted a little while ago about Costly Worship. My worship doesn't feel very costly sometimes. But there has been one thing that has changed about church attendance since my illness began. I now 'attend' church online. Whether its from the comfort of my bedroom or the slightly-less comfortable (but still quiet and cool) church office, I seldom am able to participate in a church service. Singing, standing, and interacting with so many people all in the space of a few hours prove too much of a mental stimulus for me, so I typically arrive at church with my mom between Sunday School and church, greet a few close friends, and then head downstairs to listen to the service from the livestream. Sometimes I lay down on the couch in the office. Other times I sit up with my Bible open and take notes. But whatever I end up doing, it usually isn't what most people think of when church attendance comes to their minds. I am thankful for our church's technical crew, especially my brother, who set up the live stream several years ago, who maintain this system and make it possible for me to at least listen, even if I am unable to actively participate.

Three Encouraging Songs

Dear X, You Do Not Own Me - The first time I heard this song, I loved it. Which, if you know my musical tastes, is a little bit surprising, because this is not really my style. I loved the fighting spirit behind it most, and also the defiant declaration, "You, pain, hate, shame, anger, do not, cannot, and will not control or define my life." So let it be recorded here, "Dear ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis), you do not own me."

Invisible - Another surprising like. This song first attracted my attention a few months ago when I was considering self-harm because there was so much sin in my life and so much distance between me and God. I did feel invisible - to God, to my friends who were living normal lives while I was sick, to my parents and family, and to the world. What would it matter if I sought an outlet - even a destructive one - in order to help me cope with that pain? Listening to this song and watching some of the music videos from YouTube reminded me that people deal with pain on a daily basis all over the world... and sometimes, all it takes is one person who cares to help that other person feel and know the love of Christ. All it takes is one person to care to stop someone from harming him or herself. I found that one person for me, and realised... there was more than just one. People cared. My friends who I thought hardly remembered I existed called me, sent me books, tea, and notes, and baked special cookies that I could eat. And then, I realised that it was possible for people I didn't really know, but who were part of the body of Christ, to also care deeply. I am so thankful for these people who showed me I was not invisible to them, or to God, and who demonstrated that they loved me.

You Are More - I also first listened to this song when I was considering self-harm. So many things about this song impacted me. The main thing was that... it was so... me. It described everything I was feeling ("she's heard all the answers, she's rehearsed all the lines, but she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight"). And it described everything that I was hoping someone would come and tell me, but that no one person was ("this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you; this is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to"). I clung to this song while wondering if I really was remade, if I was saved, if I could have any hope. I am so happy... that I am more. Because what's been done for me, where my brokenness brings me, and what it took to forgive me all point to one place - and that is the bloody cross, where Jesus died to pay for my sins and correct my mistakes and make the right choices when I utterly failed.

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 4)

4.) Energy production/transportation impairments.

If I was light in the symptoms of the previous group, I am not so fortunate in this group. I had fun reading this section of the journal article, though, because it helped me understand and identify some of the symptoms I had been experiencing but didn't know how to explain. The biggest one like this is called orthostatic intolerance, which is basically the inability to tolerate an upright position. This is one reason why church attendance is so difficult for me, especially in the morning. Some of you who attend church with me know that I used to sit on the floor during Sunday School. The only way I could explain it was that it was less work for me to try to support my entire chest and that sitting on the floor in the corner I was more fully supported and used less energy. Now I know why - orthostatic intolerance! Lighteheadedness or dizziness can follow if I do not sit down quickly enough, or if I am fatigued and sitting down, signalling that my body can no longer even sit and I must lie down.

Particularly bothersome the past two weeks or so have been a respiratory difficulty which has caused me a great deal of difficulty breathing. At first I assumed that my sinuses were clogged. But when nasal massages, hot showers, and steam inhalation failed to shake anything loose, I quickly realised that I was not having difficulty breathing because of my sinuses being clogged, but simply because I was so tired I could hardly breathe. This has improved somewhat with rest, but remains an issue. Thankfully, a good friend reminded me that breathing was an automatic bodily function like a heartbeat or blinking, so I didn't have to worry that I would stop breathing while I was sleeping. (Although, I must admit, I almost said to her, "What are you talking about? Breathing is work!")

Another symptom of both the adrenal fatigue and the ME is "loss of thermostatic stability," or a constantly fluctuating temperature. My temperature consistently runs low (the most consistent reading I've gotten is 97.3 degrees Farenheit), but I often feel feverish especially during the evening or night. Please note that this is not due to summer heat. In fact, this symptom was worse during the early spring months. I thought for several nights in a row that I had a fever so I bought a thermometer so that I could track my temperature. However, despite feeling feverish, my temperature was very low - sometimes as low as 96.2 - despite feeling hot and sweating. One symptom which has 'improved' due to summer heat is cold extremities. My feet and fingers positively feel like ice blocks in the winter! But they have finally thawed! Either way, summer or winter, I have a difficult time with extreme temperatures on either end. I know we all prefer a nice even 70 all year long, but I do especially. Sometimes climate control makes this easier, but other times very strong air conditioning can make me feel just as poorly as a hot, humid afternoon.

If you have read this far, thank you! You are a good listener and a patient friend.

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 3)

3.) Immune, gastro-intestinal and genitourinary impairments.

Of all the symptoms categories, this is by far my lightest group, but I still meet the diagnostic criteria. Some with ME suffer from chronic or recurring flu-like symptoms including sore throat, inflammation of the sinuses, and enlarged or tender lymph nodes. My main symptom, which used to be more pronounced but is improving due to dietary changes and supplements, is nausea. In January and February, I was nauseous almost constantly, after every meal. Sensitivities to food, smells, and chemicals (this is a big culprit) is another symptom that I have from this category. The main reaction to chemicals (either using them or even smelling them) is headaches and a burning feeling behind my eyes, but it can also trigger nausea. For this reason, I only use baking soda for cleaning and am looking into some natural toilet bowl cleaners and multipurpose cleaners to purchase. I have also stopped wearing any kind of body spray, and try to avoid people wearing strong perfumes (no offense) or lots of hair spray. Please let me say at this point, these reactions might sound bad to you; I mean, everyone has to clean, right? and every girl loves body spray! But the reactions I have to chemicals are nothing like what some ME patients experience who also suffer from something called multiple chemical sensitivities (MCS). If you are interested in reading a living biography of a young woman who has ME and MCS, I invite you to check out Polishing God's Monuments, written by her father, Pastor Jim Andrews. My dad and I both read this book several years ago before I even had mono, and Juli's story has been a beacon of encouragement to me during the course of my illness. Oh, and the genitourinary impairments? Not sure why this is a symptom of ME, but for some reason, we ME-ers feel the need to pee frequently, and this urge in the wee hours of the morning also doesn't help the insomnia bit I talked about previously.

The next post in this series will complete my explanation of the journal article.

Horace

In my last post, I mentioned that I sometimes have chronic headaches which can last for days or weeks. I decided to name these recurrent headaches, so I chose Horace. It seemed a harsh-sounding, unfriendly name, and it just so happens to also sound quite similar to 'horrible.' Horace has been on vacation the past few days, but I can feel him coming back. I can feel exhaustion settling in, and I can feel my chest tightening with deepening fatigue and heightening stress as I try to research ME doctors who could possibly provide a diagnosis and some treatment or relief. As Horace comes back, a mental battle ensues. Will I give in to Horace? Will I submit to allowing his presence to sour my attitude and temper? Or will I instead fight to remain positive and focus on God and His plan? Without His permission, Horace can neither come nor stay. I am reminded of the verse in my blog's header, Psalm 119:92. "Unless Your word had been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." So, instead of pouting, I am off to fight a battle - not with Horace, because I have no control over him, but a battle within my heart to strive to hold on to God's word and its priority in influencing my emotions, feelings, and attitudes. So, with that, I'm off to read some Psalms of Ascents. Will you climb those heights with me?