Sunday, May 5, 2013

Rumors & Heartbreak

And that's how rumors get started. -- Andy Palmer


Dear Readers,

Rumors are a tricky business. They occasionally start as a bold, blunt truth shared in a passionate moment and recirculated outside of the original audience, but more often than not, they begin as an outright lie engineered to cause harm. Or sometimes, it can be a mix of both. A grain of truth is mixed with a generous portion of untruth, and the purpose might not be specific harm to an individual, but rather as a means of self-promotion for someone desiring to be viewed as a source of information. I write all this because recently I have been learning some of these things by first-hand experience. There has been a particular rumor circulated about me, and it is that I have a broken heart. In the remainder of this post, I want to address this rumor head-on. The fact is... I do have a broken heart.

I have a heart that is broken by the brokenness, pain, and sin in this world. My heart is broken by lies, deceit, slander, and rumors. But it is most deeply broken, battered, and bruised by believers whose deeds do not align with their confession. It is broken when those lying, broken, slanderous, sinful people are in the church. The rumor is true: my heart is broken. Not by one person (although one person did the bulk of the damage). It was broken, is broken, has been broken by the church.

Not The Church as in The Universal Body of Believers in Jesus Christ Everywhere. Dare I even say it, my heart has been broken by people in the church that I attend. Not everyone there has inflicted this wound. There are a few people there who genuinely love me and whom I love as well. But there are a number of people there who... well... don't seem to care. They are gossips. While I wouldn't walk up to any single one of them and say, "Oooooooh, so it's you who all those verses were written to about gossiping!" (although I would love to, just to see the looks on their faces), I know who they are. Moreover, they know who they are. I doubt if any of them will see this blog post, or if they will even care.

But just in case they do, I want to let them know: you really hurt me. I am not titanium. I am made of a precious, soft, malleable metal that we like to call gold. But, again, just in case, I also want them to know something else: it doesn't matter. I mean, it does. It matters to God that I have been lied about. But it really doesn't matter to me what has been said to others. Because I am bigger than that. I am stronger. I have been made stronger. I'm not petty enough to start any rumors about them, but I will speak out with the truth.

Thankfully my heart doesn't stay broken, hurt, confused, or angry, and I will not allow it to become bitter. The world is too beautiful for dark thoughts. It is bright, cheerful, happy, lovely, loving, loveable, and real.

So I will laugh, dance, sing, and (when my lungs and legs allow it), run. I will spend hours lying in the sun, work hard at my wonderful job, bake cookies for my best friend's graduation party, and squeal over wedding plans. I will take pleasure in reading novels, stamping cards, cooking gourmet meals, celebrating birthdays and accomplishments, taking long walks, and encouraging friends in person or while talking on the phone. I won't allow lies, deception, and slander to keep me from the beautiful sunset, the green of spring, the blessing of growth and life, or any other natural enjoyment.

Church, you really make me cry sometimes. But only because you're not perfect. Only because you're not pure. Church is supposed to be a piece of heaven on earth, but let's all admit it; it's not, and we know it. We're still humans in the process of sanctification. And heaven's going to be a whole lot better. There, there will be no tale-bearers, no liars, no gossips. There will only be Lovers and Our Love. And the rumors of yesterday won't matter Then, so I won't allow them to dampen my enjoyment of today.

Church, you make me cringe in fear. You make me want to hide. You make me doubt the goodness of the world at times. But not today - and not right now. Because I know that it isn't really The Church's fault. It is, because The Church and the church have done some pretty nasty, terrible, wicked, sinful things. But not because you were The Church or the church - because it is in the darker side if your nature. So now I appeal to the other side of that nature - the redeemed part. The whole part. The loving part. Do the right thing. Pursue unity. Be love. It's love or die, isn't it?

And that's all I have to say about that.

Whatever is healing,
Nella Camille