Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bitterness Poured Off, MacArthur

...we invariably get into trouble when we don't have problems because we don't really grow. In Jeremiah 48:11, God is preparing to judge Moab, and He says,
Moab has been at ease since his youth;
He has also been undisturbed on his lees,
Neither has he been emptied from vessel to vessel,
Nor has he gone into exile.
Therefore he retains his flavor, and his aroma has not been changed.
     The people of Moab had had it so easy and so smooth that they had become rancid. The analogy Jeremiah uses is from winemaking. Winemakers in Jeremiah's day put crushed grapes in a container and let them sit. Eventually the bitterness and the sediment--called the lees, or the dregs--would settle into the bottom. The winemaker would pour the wine off the top into another vessel, and the remaining bitterness would settle into the bottom of the second container in more sediment. Then he would pour that wine into another container, and another, and another--and over a period of time, all of the sediment and its bitterness would be removed (they used it to make vinegar), and the wine would have the aroma of sweetness that the winemaker wanted it to have.
     Moab had never lost its bitterness, because the people had never been poured from difficult situation to difficult situation, where the bitterness could be purged out.
     We are better off in life if God pours us from trial to trial, because each time we're poured into a different trial, each time we're confined in a different undesirable circumstance, a little of the bitterness of life is removed. Finally, one day God pours us out of the last trial and all that remains is the sweet aroma that He was after all the time--the bitterness is all gone.

From The Ultimate Priority, chapter 14 "Worship as It Was Meant to Be," pp. 152-153. Written by John MacArthur. 

Monday, July 30, 2012

Last Night

I could tell after only a few minutes sitting down that the lighting issue had not been resolved. The yellow light seemed in some ways too bright, in other ways, too dim to properly see. The power point presentation glared, just the same way as it had last week. But not wanting to appear inattentive, I put up with it. It was a little better after the slides were finished and there was only speaking. The speaker was pacing back and forth. I settled down and just watched. I didn't make the effort to turn my head or neck. Perhaps that was a mistake. Perhaps if I had, what happened later would have been averted. I can't be sure either way.

In any case, suddenly, within a matter of seconds, I realised that I couldn't move. My legs were slightly crossed at the ankles. I could not move my legs, ankles, even my toes. My arms were folded one over the other. I couldn't move any of those either. All that I could move was my eye muscles. Back and forth, back and forth; up and down, up and down. I tried moving other muscles in concert with them. I tried to turn my neck. But as I tried, I felt a sensation of something clenching - gripping - grasping - at the base of my brain above the brain stem. My entire body began to clench, but not to constrict. I was a statue, only seeing and hearing and thinking, but completely and utterly unable to move. My jaw locked along with my neck, and even if someone had asked me if I was okay or not, I would have been unable to respond other than by a movement of my eyes. Stuck. At the end of the service, when my mom asked me what was wrong, tears began to slide down my cheeks. That was all I could do - cry.

There were things I wanted to say - things I wanted to do - people I wanted to hug and thank and encourage. My heart was so full, but the vehicle for conveying truth was utterly stopped. It took energy and effort to mutter a few words, and most of the time I wasn't understood or heard after all the effort.

Frustrated. Am I going to have to stop goming to church entirely? Am I going to be forced into sitting in the back where I can hear but not have to look up at whoever is speaking? Frustrated... because fellowship is being denied to me.

Oh, Abba, I know that 'this too will pass'. Help me to be patient until it does.


The neck unlocked, over an hour later. I can walk again. I can move my neck freely from side to side. But the fear that it will come back is strong.

And yet, I have a will to fight. This will comes from God's word, which tells me that He is good. He tells me to be strong and courageous, and that He is near me. And so I will wait, and pray, and do what I can do.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Monstrous Regiment of... Doctors

Some have asked me what kinds of doctors I have seen, and which ones have been helpful. This is an attempt to answer that question.

In August 2010 I saw an MD who was... well... not very helpful. At that point, I was pretty sure that even if I was tested for acute mononucleosis, nothing would show up in a blood test, but I was curious if he could do anything or recommend anything helpful. Unfortunately, I felt that this trip was a waste of the money we paid to see him. He told me simply to listen to my body and allow it to dictate what I could and could not do. That advice was helpful... but I'm not particularly good at following it. As I thought, the blood test he ordered said that I did not currently have mono.

After that, I decided not to see any doctors for a long time, and my symptoms gradually declined due to better nutrition and a consistent dosage of vitamins. They disappeared entirely when I stopped eating sugar in October of 2010, but my strength did not completely return. I thought that would come with time.

The next time I saw a doctor was not until January of 2012 - this year. My friends urged me to see a doctor during the fall semester of school (Fall 2011) but I decided to wait until I was home. By that point, I had all of the symptoms mentioned in my posts about myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), and even a few more or at least several were more acute.

My mamma has always pursued a more homeopathic, naturalistic philosophy of healing. Being more of that persuasion myself - and slightly disillusioned by my experience with the MD in Aug 2010, I decided to see a nutritionist. I had heard of many stories of people in my church who saw a nutritionist, and after changing their diets a certain way had symptoms and conditions disappear entirely. I had high hopes. I found a doctor who saw patients at my chiropractor's office. He was a nutritionist, kinesiologist, and a chiropractor himself. He was able to recommend and suggest some things I thought would be very helpful. Under his direction, I returned to a completely no-sugar diet and put me on a liver cleanse and strict eating plan that was meat free, dairy free, and gluten free. After a month when I started adding 'normal' foods back into my diet, I felt slightly, but not remarkably, different. He ordered some bloodwork just to check some standard levels. Everything came back well within the ranges of normalcy.

Sadly, although I felt the care I was receiving from this doctor was good and beneficial, I don't think he really understood enough about ME to diagnose or specifically treat that. Also, he sadly moved away. So I started looking for another doctor.

A number of people at this point pressured me to try to pursue a more traditionally medical approach for a diagnosis or some relief, so in April of 2012 I saw an MD who ordered another batch of bloodwork, this time testing my thyroid, for Lyme's disease, and a few other random viruses. Again, the bloodwork came back completely normal aside from one test which showed that I had had mono in the past, and he didn't have any ideas or suggestions aside from asking if I thought I needed to be put on antidepressants. (I said no thanks.)

A good friend recommended next that I see a cranial osteopath. She sent me a link to The Cranial Academy so that I could search for one in my zip code. I ended up finding and seeing an osteopath, but one who does not really practice cranial osteopathy. However, his insight has been interesting. His basic diagnosis was that I have a chronic case of mono (as opposed to an acute one) - one with recurrent mono symptoms without an actual virus. His recommended treatment was a seven day dosage of an antiviral called Valcitrax. Antivirals work by tricking a virus's DNA to recopy itself - only with a faulty, malfunctioning form of the virus itself. While I was on the antiviral, I had an amazing streak of eight wonderful, energetic days. A few weeks after the treatment was finished, I also had another even better streak of nearly two weeks during which I led an almost normal, pre-illness life - volunteering at my church's VBS, cooking meals and engaging in house work, and I even started doing some light workouts. However, that streak crashed. The problem wasn't solved. The antiviral was only slightly successful, apparently, providing temporary, but not long term, relief.

I am currently looking for another cranial osteopath to see, but also researching some doctors who specialize in ME. For those of you who are looking for a doctor who has a track record of treating ME patients, I recommend checking out these lists.

http://www.co-cure.org/Good-Doc.htm
http://www.beatcfsandfms.org/html/DocLocator.html
http://www.name-us.org/Links.htm#Doctors/Researchers

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Little by Little, Inch by Inch

Have you ever been involved in a huge project, one that seemed beyond your ability to begin or complete? Right now I am in the midst of a few of those kinds of projects. One began about a year ago when I started researching and purchasing replacement items for our upstairs bathroom. It took a long time to decide what color scheme, what finish of fixtures, which vanity, and what kind of tile would be both attractive and good quality. I spent lots of time reading reviews of items and trying to compare prices. Now, a year later, I've finally started the stripping of the current wallpaper - after still more research on the best way to do that and a few trips to the store for supplies! Removing the wallpaper means that all the cheap vinyl baseboard had to come off, too. And the border around the ceiling. And the screws and wall fixtures. Next will be the ripping out of the linoleum tiling. But it all takes time... and effort. Sometimes I am able to work for a long time, but other days I feel like I just got everything set and then I feel like I have to lay down. But the key is progress a little bit at a time - "little by little, inch by inch." Lots of things in life work by that principle. Growing up, education, reading a book (one word at a time), or even writing this blog post. Nothing happens immediately, but with time, effort, and a little patience, the finished result of diligence is worth it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Big Blessing - A True Friend

Photo Credit: Isaac. Because we are that good at self-portraits!

Do you have a friend - a special friend who always seems to understand? I do. His name is Isaac, and right now I am blessed to be spending a lot of time with him since he is visiting me! We're watching my favorite movies, trying new recipes, taking walks, dominating at Sudoku, studying history, and playing games. 

What's so great about Isaac is that not only is he my friend, he is also good at taking care of me and is understanding of my physical limitations. There are few friends who are truly accommodating of an invisible illness, but he is one of them for sure. He just somehow knows when I've had enough activity and need a break. He is willing to run downstairs and grab the cup of water I forgot again, or make a trip down the basement while we're cooking to find an ingredient we need. And he does it all willingly! And did I mention he has great taste in music? He pointed out to me that two of the three "encouraging songs" I posted a few days ago were his recommendations. 

Thanks for loving me, Friend. I'm blessed to know you. 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Internet Church-Goer

On my primary blog, Think Upon These Things, I posted a little while ago about Costly Worship. My worship doesn't feel very costly sometimes. But there has been one thing that has changed about church attendance since my illness began. I now 'attend' church online. Whether its from the comfort of my bedroom or the slightly-less comfortable (but still quiet and cool) church office, I seldom am able to participate in a church service. Singing, standing, and interacting with so many people all in the space of a few hours prove too much of a mental stimulus for me, so I typically arrive at church with my mom between Sunday School and church, greet a few close friends, and then head downstairs to listen to the service from the livestream. Sometimes I lay down on the couch in the office. Other times I sit up with my Bible open and take notes. But whatever I end up doing, it usually isn't what most people think of when church attendance comes to their minds. I am thankful for our church's technical crew, especially my brother, who set up the live stream several years ago, who maintain this system and make it possible for me to at least listen, even if I am unable to actively participate.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Three Encouraging Songs

Dear X, You Do Not Own Me - The first time I heard this song, I loved it. Which, if you know my musical tastes, is a little bit surprising, because this is not really my style. I loved the fighting spirit behind it most, and also the defiant declaration, "You, pain, hate, shame, anger, do not, cannot, and will not control or define my life." So let it be recorded here, "Dear ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis), you do not own me."

Invisible - Another surprising like. This song first attracted my attention a few months ago when I was considering self-harm because there was so much sin in my life and so much distance between me and God. I did feel invisible - to God, to my friends who were living normal lives while I was sick, to my parents and family, and to the world. What would it matter if I sought an outlet - even a destructive one - in order to help me cope with that pain? Listening to this song and watching some of the music videos from YouTube reminded me that people deal with pain on a daily basis all over the world... and sometimes, all it takes is one person who cares to help that other person feel and know the love of Christ. All it takes is one person to care to stop someone from harming him or herself. I found that one person for me, and realised... there was more than just one. People cared. My friends who I thought hardly remembered I existed called me, sent me books, tea, and notes, and baked special cookies that I could eat. And then, I realised that it was possible for people I didn't really know, but who were part of the body of Christ, to also care deeply. I am so thankful for these people who showed me I was not invisible to them, or to God, and who demonstrated that they loved me.

You Are More - I also first listened to this song when I was considering self-harm. So many things about this song impacted me. The main thing was that... it was so... me. It described everything I was feeling ("she's heard all the answers, she's rehearsed all the lines, but she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight"). And it described everything that I was hoping someone would come and tell me, but that no one person was ("this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you; this is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to"). I clung to this song while wondering if I really was remade, if I was saved, if I could have any hope. I am so happy... that I am more. Because what's been done for me, where my brokenness brings me, and what it took to forgive me all point to one place - and that is the bloody cross, where Jesus died to pay for my sins and correct my mistakes and make the right choices when I utterly failed.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 4)

4.) Energy production/transportation impairments.

If I was light in the symptoms of the previous group, I am not so fortunate in this group. I had fun reading this section of the journal article, though, because it helped me understand and identify some of the symptoms I had been experiencing but didn't know how to explain. The biggest one like this is called orthostatic intolerance, which is basically the inability to tolerate an upright position. This is one reason why church attendance is so difficult for me, especially in the morning. Some of you who attend church with me know that I used to sit on the floor during Sunday School. The only way I could explain it was that it was less work for me to try to support my entire chest and that sitting on the floor in the corner I was more fully supported and used less energy. Now I know why - orthostatic intolerance! Lighteheadedness or dizziness can follow if I do not sit down quickly enough, or if I am fatigued and sitting down, signalling that my body can no longer even sit and I must lie down.

Particularly bothersome the past two weeks or so have been a respiratory difficulty which has caused me a great deal of difficulty breathing. At first I assumed that my sinuses were clogged. But when nasal massages, hot showers, and steam inhalation failed to shake anything loose, I quickly realised that I was not having difficulty breathing because of my sinuses being clogged, but simply because I was so tired I could hardly breathe. This has improved somewhat with rest, but remains an issue. Thankfully, a good friend reminded me that breathing was an automatic bodily function like a heartbeat or blinking, so I didn't have to worry that I would stop breathing while I was sleeping. (Although, I must admit, I almost said to her, "What are you talking about? Breathing is work!")

Another symptom of both the adrenal fatigue and the ME is "loss of thermostatic stability," or a constantly fluctuating temperature. My temperature consistently runs low (the most consistent reading I've gotten is 97.3 degrees Farenheit), but I often feel feverish especially during the evening or night. Please note that this is not due to summer heat. In fact, this symptom was worse during the early spring months. I thought for several nights in a row that I had a fever so I bought a thermometer so that I could track my temperature. However, despite feeling feverish, my temperature was very low - sometimes as low as 96.2 - despite feeling hot and sweating. One symptom which has 'improved' due to summer heat is cold extremities. My feet and fingers positively feel like ice blocks in the winter! But they have finally thawed! Either way, summer or winter, I have a difficult time with extreme temperatures on either end. I know we all prefer a nice even 70 all year long, but I do especially. Sometimes climate control makes this easier, but other times very strong air conditioning can make me feel just as poorly as a hot, humid afternoon.

If you have read this far, thank you! You are a good listener and a patient friend.

Monday, July 16, 2012

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 3)


3.) Immune, gastro-intestinal and genitourinary impairments.

Of all the symptoms categories, this is by far my lightest group, but I still meet the diagnostic criteria. Some with ME suffer from chronic or recurring flu-like symptoms including sore throat, inflammation of the sinuses, and enlarged or tender lymph nodes. My main symptom, which used to be more pronounced but is improving due to dietary changes and supplements, is nausea. In January and February, I was nauseous almost constantly, after every meal. Sensitivities to food, smells, and chemicals (this is a big culprit) is another symptom that I have from this category. The main reaction to chemicals (either using them or even smelling them) is headaches and a burning feeling behind my eyes, but it can also trigger nausea. For this reason, I only use baking soda for cleaning and am looking into some natural toilet bowl cleaners and multipurpose cleaners to purchase. I have also stopped wearing any kind of body spray, and try to avoid people wearing strong perfumes (no offense) or lots of hair spray. Please let me say at this point, these reactions might sound bad to you; I mean, everyone has to clean, right? and every girl loves body spray! But the reactions I have to chemicals are nothing like what some ME patients experience who also suffer from something called multiple chemical sensitivities (MCS). If you are interested in reading a living biography of a young woman who has ME and MCS, I invite you to check out Polishing God's Monuments, written by her father, Pastor Jim Andrews. My dad and I both read this book several years ago before I even had mono, and Juli's story has been a beacon of encouragement to me during the course of my illness. Oh, and the genitourinary impairments? Not sure why this is a symptom of ME, but for some reason, we ME-ers feel the need to pee frequently, and this urge in the wee hours of the morning also doesn't help the insomnia bit I talked about previously.

The next post in this series will complete my explanation of the journal article.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Horace

In my last post, I mentioned that I sometimes have chronic headaches which can last for days or weeks. I decided to name these recurrent headaches, so I chose Horace. It seemed a harsh-sounding, unfriendly name, and it just so happens to also sound quite similar to 'horrible.' Horace has been on vacation the past few days, but I can feel him coming back. I can feel exhaustion settling in, and I can feel my chest tightening with deepening fatigue and heightening stress as I try to research ME doctors who could possibly provide a diagnosis and some treatment or relief. As Horace comes back, a mental battle ensues. Will I give in to Horace? Will I submit to allowing his presence to sour my attitude and temper? Or will I instead fight to remain positive and focus on God and His plan? Without His permission, Horace can neither come nor stay. I am reminded of the verse in my blog's header, Psalm 119:92. "Unless Your word had been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." So, instead of pouting, I am off to fight a battle - not with Horace, because I have no control over him, but a battle within my heart to strive to hold on to God's word and its priority in influencing my emotions, feelings, and attitudes. So, with that, I'm off to read some Psalms of Ascents. Will you climb those heights with me?

Saturday, July 14, 2012

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 2)

2.) Neurological impairments.

My worst symptom in this category is difficulty processing information. It is frustrating and embarrassing to be confused, disoriented, mentally overloaded, and speaking slowly when a person is trying to have a conversation with me and my brain is trying to catch up and focus on where the floor is and how quickly I can sit down if I need to - or worse, trying to plan how I can excuse myself from a conversation as quickly as possible and escape. I have also been dealing with what I can only explain as an acquired but different case of dyslexia. This problem occasionally bother me when I'm reading, but mainly poses a problem from an auditory standpoint. As an example, my mom was talking about the recent Supreme Court decision which stated that the healthcare package would be considered a tax. Over and over again, I was convinced she was saying that the healthcare package would be considered attacks. In frustration, I said, "What do you mean, attacks?" Since a tax and attacks sound the same, the confusion took a while to clear up. If this does happen when I am reading, I stare blankly at the page for several minutes, wondering why someone is talking about someone winding a clock when he is obviously talking about the wind that blows through the trees... only to realise that he is talking about the wind and that wind and wind share the same spelling.

I once jokingly remarked to my little brother that I have the memory of a 70 year old women. Sometimes, it's true. I always used to tease my mom about forgetting things, but now more details slip my mind than I would care to admit. My most common problem is word retrieval - or, I am realising - name retrieval. Not so much people I see on a regular basis, but people who were on my wing at school, and I'm looking at chorale tour pictures and know that I should know who that person is but cannot remember her name.

Headaches and pain have been two symptoms I have been dealing with this week a lot. Headaches and pain don't seem very uncommon, you might say, however the headaches I have had since my mono days are unlike any headaches I have ever had before. Sometimes they are chronic - lasting for days or weeks at a time (this happened last summer for I think about three weeks). Other times they feel as if they are originating directly behind my eyes, others seem to stem from the base of my neck below my brain. My chiropractor has been able to help me reduce my headaches this spring, but now they are back again.Pain is generally limited to places in my upper back between my shoulder blades, but it can also radiate downwards into my lower back. Yesterday I had gripping, long-lasting pain in my chest. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that all I can think is, "Pain, pain, pain," for hours as I lie in bed, unable to think or move.

And then there are the sleep disturbances. Whether its insomnia, a penchant for multi-hour naps in the afternoon hours, inability to sleep at night, frequently awakening during the night, or unrefreshing sleep and daytime sleepiness, no part of the sleep disturbances are pleasant. My biggest complaint a few months ago was the unrefreshing sleep. I would feel exhausted when I laid down, and exhausted when I woke up, despite how long I slept. Now the insomnia and daytime sleepiness have come to the forefront again. Despite being exhausted and dragging all afternoon, when it comes bedtime, I simply cannot fall asleep. It is possible that this is a result not directly of the ME, but of fatigued adrenals and an imbalance in my body's production of a hormone called cortisol. However, I have not yet had my cortisol levels tested, so this is just a speculation. Ironically, when I am most fatigued is when I have the most difficulty sleeping and awaking feeling refreshed and energetic.

Also troubling this week in particular have been extreme sensitivities to light (manmade more than sunlight) and noises. Oftentimes vibration, odor, taste, and touch also cause sensitivities. Along with these sometimes come muscle weakness (with light and noise), twitching, poor coordination (generally), and feeling of unsteadiness while on my feet. The more tired I become, the more pronounced these sensitivities become. Recently my light sensitivities have been so drastic that in the evening I can only use my computer if the screen is on the dimmest setting and all the lights are off in my room. After about 7 or 8 when it begins to become dark at night, almost all manmade lights cause pain in my eyes or exacerbate a headache.

Friday, July 13, 2012

An Explanation of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (Part 1)


Note: To be clear from the very beginning, the osteopath I have been seeing has diagnosed me with a chronic case of mono, so I have not yet been diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (affectionately known as my D.L.F. [Dear Little Friend, for those of you who aren't Lewis readers] ME).

What follows here is my explanation and understanding of a medical journal article which was the published research of the Internal Consensus Criteria made available in the Journal of Internal Medicine in 2011. You can find the article here online or in PDF format. The ICC has broken down the symptoms of ME into four groups. Under these groups are a number of subcategories, and so many symptoms must be present from each group or one from each subcategory in order for a patient to be diagnosed according to these criteria. If you are eager to test your understanding of medical terms, I am sure you will find the journal article more interesting. If you're not so eager to spend a few hours trying to understand a 13 page document, I hope my explanation will suffice.
ME causes dysregulation of the central nervous system, immune system, cellular metabolism, and cardiovascular system. According to the ICC, it is 'an acquired neurological disease with complex global dysfunctions' from which 50,000 people suffer. These are the symptoms.

1.) Postexertional neuroimmune exhaustion.

On my worst days, when I attempt to think deeply about something, my mental state quickly becomes a confusing fog of swirling words and concepts. The very thought of supporting my body in order to sit or eat is exhausting. Sometimes I try to force myself to do things. Such forcing my body to obey me might bring on another state of exhaustion even deeper than the first, lasting at times for a few hours.

On a day where I seem to be 'normal', I might be able to do something mildly strenuous, such as take a walk or attempt a light workout. After taking that walk or light workout, I might face a severe worsening of another symptom, such as muscle weakness, lightheartedness or dizziness, feeling feverish, or labored breathing. Often times going places, preparing a meal, reading a book, or simply sitting upright and working at my computer will also trigger these worsening of symptoms. (Just as an example, I have had a headache most of the time while writing this post and have to take frequent breaks to rest my eyes and lay down.)

On any day, whether good, bad, or in the middle, every activity completed or even attempted comes with a recovery period because my body is unable to muster the energy it needs to sustain me through daily activities. This recovery period can last twenty-four hours, a few days, or even a week. The strenuousness, chemical exposure, lighting, temperature, and activity all determine how long the recovery time might be. As a general rule, it takes me much longer to recover from time spent running errands than it does to recover from studying.

My lack of stamina varies in severity from mild, to moderate, to severe, to very severe. I would currently place myself in a moderate category, which means I am mostly housebound. Yes, I can get along fine for a few hours out running errands, studying at Starbucks, or (most difficult) a trip to church, but I am much more comfortable at home where my brain has less information to process and fewer choices to make.

Since this post in its entirety would be quite lengthy, it will be published in four parts. Stay tuned for the next update explaining the neurological impairments of ME!

Upon First Acquaintance with Mono

In August of 2009, I took a great big step into the wide, wide world. I moved from my childhood home in Pennsylvania to North Carolina to attend a school called The Master's Mission. The Mission is 45 minutes away from a small town in north-western North Carolina called Robbinsville, population 800. This setting makes it a great training ground for those who are interested in going overseas to take the Gospel to the remote corners of the earth.

Life at the Mission is primitive, but not as bad as it could be. The Mission houses its trainees in 13 cabins up and down a grassy knoll. The cabins are 20'x30', and are all exactly alike. As you walk in the door of the downstairs of the cabin, there is a living room, a small kitchen, a stone hearth and metal pot-bellied wood stove, a bathroom, and a narrow staircase leading upstairs to a hallway with two bedrooms. Not much, but enough to live in and have a place to call your own. The bathroom does have indoor plumbing, and the Mission provides a small fridge/freezer that runs on propane. You won't find a light bulb or a light switch in any of the rooms, however, because there is no electricity inside the cabins, unless you rig up something to harness air, light, or water, or run it on batteries.

My bedroom


If you follow a snaky road down from the cabins about a mile, you will pass by a few 'real' houses, a laundry facility, and a man-made lake before coming to a small building. The building goes by almost as many names as the Mission itself, but I will try to simply call it "the shop." The shop is the real hub of Mission life, and every event that takes place there is interspersed by 30 minute coffee breaks. So, as follows, a daily schedule at the shop would be....

8:00 am - morning devos, led by staff as well as trainees, complete with a few songs
8:30 am - coffee break
9:00 am - Bible class
10:30 am - coffee break
11:00 am - men's technical
12:30 pm - coffee/lunch break - trainees provide all their meals, so this takes place at home, not at the shop
1:30 pm - meet back at shop for afternoon's work
3:00 pm - coffee break
4, 5, 6... whenever really... - call it quits for dinner, and the rest of the day is yours

The shop


In May of 2010, I got sick. My likeliest explanation for how my illness began was that I picked up the Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV) at a hospital or nursing home. However, it wasn't until about a month and a half later when my roommate Tina tested positive for mono that I realised I also had mono. Later, Tina's fiance (now husband) Mike also came down with the virus. We also infected another family (aren't we generous?) through improperly sanitized silverware. You will hear more about this family in later posts.

By the end of July, I was so sick I could hardly walk. I would ride down to the shop with Mike and Tina and sleep in a side room during devotions until class was ready to start, and I laid down on the floor with a notebook and my Bible while I would listen because I was too weak to sit in my chair. One night I called my family in tears. I didn't have the energy to cook, eat, walk, or study. On last minute's notice, both my mom and Mike's mom came to North Carolina to help us clean out our cabins, pack, and cook for us. Without them, I know I would not have made it, and I don't think Mike or Tina would have either. We made it through the end, but just barely. Tina hardly had the strength to graduate.

I then moved back home for the Fall semester. I tried to go to college in California, but the virus was still raging its way through my system, so after passing out during a full day of activities, I knew I still needed rest.  I stayed out West just long enough to participate in Mike and Tina's wedding on August 20th in Colorado before flying home.

A picture of Mike, Tina, and Me - taken while we were sick


That Fall, it seemed like I was getting better, but I could tell that certain things were retarding my recovery. One of those things was sugar. In October 2010 I kissed sugar goodbye. I still can only eat sugar in very small quantities, and when I do, I know to be careful afterwards because it can trigger some curious reactions from my body.

By November I was doing well enough in order to maintain a life of daily activities. I participated in NaNoWriMo and wrote a novel in less than 30 days. I applied for a job and went back to a work for a few weeks, and after Christmas, I was ready to go pursue more of my college degree in Biblical Studies. I thought life was back to normal.


Monday, July 9, 2012

"What God Hath Wrought"

The Drab Details

I was raised in a... Christian home.
My dad was a... pastor.
My mom was a... stay-at-home mom.
My siblings are... Ian (two years old) and Stefan (eight years younger).
I was born in... Detroit, Michigan.
I grew up... in Erie, Pennsylvania.
I went to school at... home - I was homeschooled from second grade up until high school graduation.
I came to know Jesus when I was... 5 years old. (Okay, this one definitely isn't drab!)
I believe my life's calling is... missions.


Despite having a pretty boring, typical testimony all of my childhood, during my teenage years things started to get... well, a little more interesting.... :)

The Things that Weren't

Growing up in a technological world is great, isn't it? We can lie about our identity and get away with all kinds of things. Unfortunately, I didn't really realise that when I was thirteen. I assumed that since I was truthful, everyone else was as well. However, sometimes liars can teach us lessons. I 'met' some liars online in a guestbook one day. The stories they told... my, they would have made a great television soap opera. In my naivete and gullibility I believed it all until the truth was exposed in the end. But as the law of unintended consequence the sovereignty of God would have it, those lies were used in a powerful way. First Corinthians 1:27-29 say...

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence.

Isn't it funny? How God uses foolish things to shame the wise? How he uses the weak things to shame the might? How He uses things no one else wants to? How even the things that are not true, He can use? That is how I feel about the lies I believed. I believed the stories other people told about their lives, every word. And as I listened, I was moved with compassion, even passion, that I had never felt before. And that compassion and passion drove me to pray as I never had before in my life. I prayed and cried out to God on behalf of the strange, sad, and terrible things that I heard about which were part of these 'friends' lives. And as they asked questions about the sovereignty of God, His purpose in pain, and the Gospel, I searched the Scriptures diligently to find answers. Oh, God used foolish things alright. He used base lies. He used people and circumstances that didn't exist... so that today, I would be ready to turn to Him in prayer... so that I would begin my consistent journaling habits as a means of recording His faithfulness... so that I would pursue knowing Him.

The Rubber Meets the Road

Only after God had prepared me through prayer and time in the Word did He begin to test me personally with real trials and tests of faith. When I was sixteen, my best friend fell away from following after Jesus. I was devastated. I cried and prayed and pleaded the Gospel through my tears. The circumstances were very painful, and I am still waiting and hoping for God to bring this friend back to the knowledge of the truth and to break into his life with the Gospel. I wait for His timing. But the waiting is long, and painful. One of the verses that stood out to me the most during this time of testing was Zephaniah 3:17. It continues to be a beacon of hope to me.

The LORD your God is in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

This is an ongoing trial... a trial that comes to mind often and still stings. But "my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save." I still believe that. He is sovereign over all things. It is hard for me to accept that He has compassion on those whom He will have compassion on and justly damns others to punishment in Hell. I wish He had mercy on all, especially on all those whom I love and love me.

During this time, I wish I could say my faith has always remained strong. But to say that is not true. There were times when I probably said some very heretical things. There were a few times where I just wished my life would end. I found new vision and hope for life by reading the book of Philippians at the recommendation of a friend. I was encouraged by Paul's similar struggle at the end of the first chapter. His conclusion to his own wrestling with desiring death comes in Philippians 1:24-26.

Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.

Another verse that stuck out to me was Philippians 3:12 - "because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Isn't that the reason for life? Because we are not our own, but we belong to Him? Because we aren't perfect, but He holds us anyway? With these and other passages as promises, God helped me through this trial.

Peek-a-boo!

This next part will make more sense after I am able to write a post containing some back story from my life, especially August 2009-December 2010. This trial, like the one I wrote about above, is an ongoing test to my faith. I first became sick with mononucleosis (which is caused by the Epstein-Barr Virus, or EBV, from which this blog derives its name) in May of 2010. Today, I suffer lingering and exacerbated effects from that initial illness. There have been several phases, caused by what is possibly a chronic form of EBV remaining in my body. The first phase was about six months long (May-October). The second was during the summer of 2011. The third began in November of 2011 and is ongoing. It is a battle I face on a weekly, daily, hourly basis. "Peek-a-boo!" the virus exclaims. "So, you want to accomplish all these things today? Well, surprise! You're going to be stuck in bed instead!" Sometimes I fight. Most of the time, I've realised it's not worth it to try.

John Piper might be able to say, "I thank you, mono, for my life" (he had mono when he was in college, and it changed the course of his life and spurred him towards the ministry), but... I wickedly struggle, casting side-long glances at God asking, "Why have you made me thus?" And then, lovingly, He reminds me, "Did you not surrender your life to me, all of it? Can I not do with you whatever I will?" And then I cry, repent, and say, "Yes, Abba. You have the authority and right to do all things."

Sometimes it is painfully hard to surrender in this. It is hard to leave behind all and follow Him. Sometimes... it seems impossible. But I have found that Paul is right once again in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10... although I readily confess that I am fighting to boast about these afflictions as he boasted of his.

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Please... pray for me that I will be strong... but strong only in Him. I have tried to be strong on my own, and I can only fail when I try.

Friendship

I would be remiss if I did not thank God here for the friends He has used along the way in my life - both believers and unbelievers. I will not attempt to name all of them, but I will endeavor to name them in groups.

The Sisters of the Armour
my Mission class of '10
The Tribe, as well as my other college friends who don't necessarily fall into this odd group
my family (this includes extended family)
my childhood friends
my wonderful elderly friends, who write me lovely letters
my roommates, even the shocking ones
my work buddies from Chick-fil-A, Tim Hortons, Crosbys, and the MABC department
my church families at LSBC, GFBC, GHBC, and LHEF
my fellow Rebelutionaries

Thank you all. God comforts me through you. :)

Sunday, July 8, 2012

About Me

My name is Camille. I am in my twenties, and I have lived in Erie, Pennsylvania for most of my life. I love to read great books by Wodehouse, Piper, MacArthur, Carson, Fitzpatrick, and others. I enjoy writing in all forms - novels, poetry, blog posts, journalism (the story-of-your life kind, not the newspaper kind), and extemporaneous essays. I also love to take long, rambley walks in the country either with my dad or by myself. Another, newer, passion is research. Whether its Greek and Hebrews words for a language assignment, nutrition, homeopathic medicine, history, or humanities, I love knowledge and finding out new things. I'm bad at spelling. I have toes and ankles that crack when I walk on hardwood floors without shoes. I'm double jointed in my thumbs, and I have never broken a bone. Although I've never lived in a one-story house, I plan to when I grow up because I hate having to run all the way down the basement for something I need, especially when I'm cooking dinner and discover we might be out of tomato sauce unless there's some down in the dungeon. One of my quirks is that I can't stand mispronounced words. Two of the worst are "February" and "coupon." I guess another quirk, which goes along with my researching fetishes, is that I have always been fascinated by illnesses, especially chronic ones, and diseases, especially deadly ones, despite the fact that my whole childhood I was as healthy as a horse.

People often want to hear my story or want to have an update, and some times I simply do not have energy to explain all the details of my backstory, testimony, or current health situation. This blog has been created in part to address that deficiency in my energy and in order to keep my church family and college friends more involved in key developments as they happen, as well as to hopefully serve to a resource to people interested in learning more about the health conditions I face. I have many posts written in seed-form as drafts, so please be sure to check back frequently for updates. Or, if you prefer, add this blog to your Google Reader or other blogroll reading device, or subscribe by e-mail using the feature in the sidebar.

With hope, because Jesus has risen,
~Camille